Lamentations of the Flame Princess - Heavy Metal Print Zine

Remember That Stratovarius Thing?

Compiled by James Edward Raggi IV

Posted March 2006

Some say it was Timo Tolkki having a complete breakdown in public. Some say it was all a publicity stunt. Whatever it was, it all happened. Every single word is exactly how it appeared in the listed source.

The reason I saved all of this at the time was because I knew the situation would resolve itself one way or the other. I didn't expect a reunion, but when the next Stratovarius album came out, I knew all of this would be erased from the official history of the band. It was going to be forgotten. Perhaps denied later on. And there are no news updates remaining on the Strato site between November 4, 2003 and April 11, 2004. But you can bet that it was constantly updated at the time.

This is the version with my commentary. If it is italicized in brackets, then those are comments make by LotFP and not the listed source. The comments were made as it was happened, they were my notes at the time. Not hindsight. The comments are not kind (pretty fucking vicious, looking back now) and in some ways spoil the overall effect of what was going on if you're unfamiliar with the happenings. If you'd like to see what everything looked like without my comments, go here.

October 29, 2003

News breaks that Stratovarius has agreed to a three album, three million Euro record deal with Sanctuary Records, with the contracts signed with the blood of an elk.

November 2, 2003

News breaks that Stratovarius new album Elements Pt 2 has hit number four on the Finnish national charts.

November 11, 2003

This as part of a news item reported by Blabbermouth.net: "Tolkki has declined to comment on the rumor that he only talks to Stratovarius singer Timo Kotipelto via lawyers, stressing instead that it is time to concentrate on what he knows to do best, which is writing memorable and dramatic songs."

November 23, 2003

Timo Tolkki statement on Strato's website:
"I am in the process of talking seriously with each bandmember about the future of Stratovarius. There are lots of rumours circling around and this statement is issued to clear some of those. The band is in a severe crisis at the moment. Looking back now, it is very clear to me why the situation has catapulted into crisis. I have my own way to lead Stratovarius and since being in this band since '84 (almost twenty years) I have had a very clear vision about the musical direction of Strato. To put it short and simple, this is my band. Decide what Stratovarius sounds like. Stylists might decide how Stratovarius looks like. [What?] I don't give a fuck about that though, I love music and we are not some fucking Backstreet Boys. We eat metal and shit chains. [OK Dolphin Boy] Before some of you start shouting 'dictator', I would like to tell you that we have always shared the income from the band equally. Everyone gets the same from all income. I can tell you many bands when it's not like this. Up until very last weeks I though things were fine, there have been arguments, but nothing fancy. At this point I feel that my vision of where to take Stratovarius next is threatened. Along with many other things, which I cannot tell you due to legal reasons. Let me just say this: when the things get so heated that some people in the band enter into fistfight, then something is wrong, wouldn't you agree? I am talking with [singer Timo] Kotipelto and [bassist Jari] Kainulainen here in Finland at the moment and next week I fly to New York to talk to [keyboardist Jens] Johansson. Then I fly to Germany to talk to [drummer Jörg] Michael. And then I have to think. [Hey Captain Clueless, perhaps this should be step number one instead of Step Omega.] So you guys have to wait for some more time for some more news. [Let me translate. "Hey everyone, the band's imploding but nothing's happened yet and we don't know what's going on ourselves, but you guys sit tight."] At this point it seems 95% sure that 3 bandmembers have to leave. [What a classy way to deal with things... announcing that people are leaving before you've even talked with them about it. I salute you and your impeccably classy behavior Mr. Tolkki!] I really hope I can work things out with them, but if not, then they will have to go. And to those who say I should leave Stratovarius I say, hmmm well, perhaps it's better that I don't say anything [there's an idea], so I just say, 'Fuck Off!' I am not leaving anywhere, we just signed this new deal and I am going to continue writing new songs and there will be more albums, no matter what the line up will be."

November 23, 2003

Jens Johansson via the Strato's message board:
"Within the band we made the agreement that [guitarist/mainman] Timo [Tolkki] will decide who plays in the band, I mean on the records, live etc. I actually drew up the agreement myself [I can imagine how that came about: "Ok, you're in charge, will you shut the fuck up already?"], so that none of us would be able to entertain any illusions of 'hijacking' the band by a democratic majority vote or something. To me, I think this is a useful arrangement, I would say even if I get booted out as a result, believe it or not! [Translation: "I've got other things I can do so when you get finished with your temper tantrum, you let me know what you've decided."] I am a man of principles. And anyone is free to leave on their own volition too, of course. It's a band, not a concentration camp, like Yngwie used to say. [Translation: "I've been through dictatorial madmen guitarists before, and Mr. Tolkki, you are no Yngwie!"] I can assure you, nobody feels like leaving voluntarily. [Makes Tolkki look good about announcing things beforehand, doesn't it?] But what goes on in the hearts and minds of Finns is sometimes difficult to detect. [From personal experience, I agree, they're nuts.] Especially if they don't answer their phone!!!! [Translation: "Timo Tolkki publicly declares that band members are leaving and he's avoiding talking to the band members until he's good and fucking ready."] If Timo wants to have new people in the band I would of course be very sad, because I quite enjoy working with these guys. [Translation: "This lineup means I don't have to punch a timeclock."] But there is nothing I can do about how people feel. Either musically or about other things. Timo is a stubborn guy, or he wouldn't have gotten this far!"

November 27, 2003

Tolkki announcement on the Strato site:

"Unfortunately my trip was delayed for one day because I had to travel to Orimattila and Lahti. I am writing this in my beautiful suite in New York after trying to talk some sense [that must have been rich] to [keyboardist Jens] Johansson. ["Please Jens, please don't leave, I'll behave, please please please please!"] Next I will be going to talk to [drummer Jörg] Michael. Many thanks for all those who supported me in these heavy times. Through tough times you find out who your real friends are. For those who have been attacking me I only want to say one thing: FUCK OFF! And I repeat it one more time that it becomes clear: FUCK OFF!!! Thanks for showing me the way idiots!"

December 1, 2003

Tolkki on the Strato site frontpage:

"After speaking with all the band members I am now travelling to Berlin to talk with the Sanctuary team [to be a fly on the wall there...] about the future of Stratovarius. At this point I cannot say more about the situation. I am very sorry if my statements have offended someone. I have been under heavy pressure lately and my therapist has prescribed me some heavy antidepressants. They make it even more difficult for me to control my temper. [Your therapist sounds like a complete incompetent. You're having issues and he gives you drugs that turn you into a slushhead asshat? Who does this idiot think he's fooling?] I have received death threats, which has forced me to hire 2 bodyguards. They are both former military people with martial arts training. [Obviously having martial arts training makes someone tougher than someone who eats metal and shits chains or the bodyguards wouldn't be necessary. The only thing that would make this even more hilarious is if they were Nation of Islam bodyguards.] This is sad really [... first sensible thing you've said all day...], but what can you do? [Shut the fuck up, maybe?] Anyway, I apologize once more if I have offended anyone with my comments. ['Fuck Off' was misinterpreted I guess] I hope you understand what kind of pressure we all are living in at the moment. I would like to say that things are not always what they seem. The music world can be very frustrating, largely due to legal and business matters. [Especially when you alienate your label, bandmates, and fans by making cataclysmic public announcements before meeting with those involved in those announcements. Assface.] I hope I can tell you some news after returning from Berlin."

December 7, 2003

More Tolkki words from Stratosite::

"I thought I cheer you guys up by giving you a small report from the place where I have been writing songs for about a month already. I have already 10 songs written and I can give you some titles as well: 'And You Hate the World', 'I See Black', 'PopKiller' and 'Back to Madness' are amongst the songs that I have completed by now. The working title of the album is called 'PopKiller'. Because the situation of the band is unclear, except that [keyboardist] Jens [Johansson] will stay in the band, I have no idea when this album will be recorded. We have also several festival appearances booked for the next summer and one Spanish festival at the end of February. I don't know how we are going to handle those because we are committed legally to do them. [That's fucking wonderful. Really.] I am not thinking [obviously] about that [or much else] at the moment [/year], I am just writing songs, which always has been a good therapy for me. This place is absolutely fantastic and I am completely surrounded by nature and there is a sea view as well. [Can you see any dolphins?] I will travel to Berlin this weekend and talk with the whole Sanctuary team. I hope next week brings the final solution to our problems. Thanks for you patience and understanding."

December 8, 2003

Strato site headline: Kotipelto and Michael Out Of Stratovarius

"Due to irrevocable and massive difficulties between the band leader Timo Tolkki and me, it has been agreed that this is the best thing to do to preserve at least some of the integrity the band used to have. I will now fully concentrate on my solo album and I am convinced that this is the best way for me."

Jörg Michael says that his priorities lie elsewhere at the moment, but that the suddenly escalating trouble in the band is one of the main reasons he doesn't want to play in Stratovarius anymore. [...getting kicked out might be another...]

Jens Johansson states that he thinks this situation is very unfortunate, but that he is ok with it nevertheless [read: doesn't really care], given the tension and turmoil of the last couple of months. [Translation: "Maybe Timol will shut the fuck up now."]

Jari Kainulainen was not [important.] available for comment.

"I think this is the beginning of new era for Stratovarius and that the future looks bright and promising. I have composed some of my best songs during the last month," Timo Tolkki says from his writing mansion [writing mansion?] next to the Gulf of Finland. He promises [I love how these website updates move between first and third person] that Stratovarius fans will be both surprised and amazed by the next album. "If anything good comes out of this, then I guess it will be the emotions I have managed to channel into new songs about this situation, which has been very heavy for all of us. I have been having quite bad mental problems lately [no fuckin' shit!], but I feel better now due to anti-depressive medication my therapist has prescribed me." [I think a better prescription would have been the canceling of your internet access.]

Also, according to the booking agent Continental Concerts, the current line-up is "100% certain" to fulfill all its obligations regarding festival dates next year even though there is a lot of simmering hate still, waiting to boil over. [I want tickets. Ever read that Infernal Combustion article about the first Maiden reunion concerts?]

December 9, 2003

Tolkki in the Strato site forum: "Just drop by to tell you guys that I have talked with Jens and Jari about the hate attacks present in this forum and guestbook. We are all amazed about the amount of hate this thing has generated. [Amazing what happens when you act like a complete dick to your bandmates in a public and fucking official forum and then insult the fans who don't like it.] I would like to state that as was written in the official statement, everybody in the band thinks this is the best solution. That means also Kotipelto and Michael. We are all determined to be civilized enough to handle the festivals we are committed playing next year. There was also an attack of two hackers, one, which seem to originate from Brazil and other one from USA. [Quick, see if they match against the list of Elements Pt 1 downloaders!] Both hackers attacked the same server that also hosts Kotipelto's website. Our internet team [who has military experience and martial arts training] managed to stop these attacks."

December 11, 2003

From Blabbermouth.net:
According to Tolkki, he and Kotipelto got into a physical altercation three weeks ago. Originally, Tolkki had stepped in to break up a fight between drummer Michael and Kotipelto, but after the latest episode, both he and Kotipelto realized that they would not be able to carry on working together. Tolkki says that the fight was due to Kotipelto wanting to have more involvement in the songwriting process ["I don't want to sing this stupid shit!" seems likely] as well as more say in the band's business affairs. The members of the most recent Stratovarius lineup will be forced to work together one more time as they prepare to play all of the previously announced summer festivals in order to avoid paying out huge cancellation fees. [Have I said that I love this festival situation like family?] Tolkki has admitted that he doesn't know if they will be able to get along with each other long enough to do the upcoming shows [can you imagine the loyalty conflicts the Stratovarius attack ninjas will have?] and had made it clear that he would prefer to call off the dates altogether." [Translate: "Timo Tolkki wants the concert promoters to know that Stratovarius will put on shit shows in hopes that the promoters will cancel the bookings themselves which would mean no cancellation penalty.]

December 17, 2003

Tolkki from the Strato site:
"Since the rumours are wildly speculating about the new Stratovarius singer and drummer I have decided to tell you how things are going at the moment. First of all I have not been in contact with Michael Kiske about being the replacement for Timo Kotipelto. I know Michael well enough not to suggest anything like that to him and I have enormous amount of respect to him and his musical career. He knows what he wants and I am sure it is very different from what I want. I have received lot of interest from lots of different singers and drummers, some of them have been quite surprising and some of them are even singing/playing in quite big groups at this writing. Thank you for your interest. Also three female vocalists have sent me their tapes and I must say that one of them sounds unbelievably talented and she has the looks that kill as well. I hope I can give you some news about the replacements as soon as possible. I am still writing new songs and it is going very smoothly. New songs seem to have completely different direction compared to those ten songs that I wrote first. Even I am very surprised about the songs and how different they sound compared to the previous Stratovarius songs. ["Yes fans, we're tossing out two members and changing our sound! Hey, why are you upset?"] It seems that I am more positive now, since we found the solution that we all can live with. It's not about FUCKING money by the way. [no, it's making love money] I have quit the anti depressives and therapy at the moment and I am feeling really good. I was drinking with Jari last weekend and we had a really good time together. We did pass out from drinking too much, but hey, YOU LIVE ONLY ONCE!!!" ["Let's quit our mental health program and get fall-down fucking drunk! That'll solve everything!"]

January 10, 2004

Tolkki on the Strato boards explaining why the old lineup will play the upcoming gigs: "The gigs must be done because the contracts for those shows have been signed and the line up must be for this condition. We should pay huge cancellation fees to the promoters (around 100,000US per show) if we don´t play the gigs. I am not in a mood to do them at all, but I hope we can act civilized. At the moment things are still bad so I am worried how it will go in Spain."

January 15, 2004

Strato site news headline: New Vocalist For Stratovarius is Called 'Miss K'. [What, you figure international audiences can't deal with 'Katriina Wiiala'?]

The vocal talents of this sultry Finnish lady vary from raunchy rock to classical operatic. Her voice range is over three octaves and she is capable of transforming Stratovarius sound to something unique, something that has never been heard in Metal before. [Every time I hear a band or record label say this, I wonder how much metal they've actually heard... Is there one single person, literally, is there one solitary individual who believes Timo Tolkki is capable of creating something unlike anything ever heard in metal before?]

She is thirty years old and has a background in gymnastics [...the fuck?], where she has twice become a Finnish Champion, and in acting.

She has until now been singing in some local bands and has done over two hundred gigs.

Drummer for the next album will be Anders Johansson, the brother of Jens Johansson.

After selling over 1,500,000 copies of their previous records [that's the total for all of them, not any individual release], Stratovarius is now ready to take the next step in their career. [Breaking up, apparently.]

The band will enter the studio, a secret place, in May to record 11th studio album, which has a working title PopKiller. [Got my black shirt on/I got my black gloves on...]

The album is due February 2005 followed up by massive World Tour.

In legal news, Sanctuary Records is asking Timo Tolkki to pay back one million Euros from the recording agreement advance. [You're lucky you're reading this right now because I almost died laughing when I read this.] Tolkki refuses to pay it, and comments: "They have sent me a notification and are asking me to pay that amount back. Their position is that the agreement was for the old line up. My legal staff [who has military experience and martial arts training] doesn't interpret the agreement this way, and have advised me not to agree to this demand. [read: "My lawyers have advised me that they will make more money off of this case from me if we go to court than if we settle, and that sounds like dandy advice to me."] It means that we might be going to court in Berlin, but I am confident I will win this case and that justice will prevail."

[photos accompanying this news item showed Miss K in many Great Kattish poses in leather and fake blood, and after a series of those, there's a headshot of Tolkki for no reason.]

The Strato messageboard lit up like crazy. So then, did Mr. Tolkki.

To a fan who dared question his judgement in the band matters: "I have never cared about your opinion. I don't need you opinion when I am deciding the musical direction of my band. [Fair enough, that artistic attitude actually is 100% supported by LotFP...] Other than that, you will always find me polite and good mannered. [... but lying like a bastard is not.] You get what you order you know. [Unless you're Sanctuary.]"

Here's a rich quote: "All great artists have been misunderstood in their time. In one hundred years someone will know the effect to the big picture." [Timo, if you think that in one hundred years anybody is going to know your fucking name, let alone think you had a place in the big picture, you're a bigger idiot than the rest of your statements would indicate. You're not fucking Bach or Mozart or Beethoven. You're a footnote behind Yngwie Malmsteen and Helloween and Queensrÿche and frankly in one hundred years nobody's going to know who they are either so get ready in your afterlife to have all of your hard work and trouble and grief turn to dust and then to nothing as the years roll by. If your measure of success is being remembered one hundred years from now, you might as well have been a typist or a garbageman or a fucking bum on the street. Sales figures for ten Stratovarius albums don't match the sales figures for the first Candlebox album so I don't know what kind of immortality you're headed for. Your grandkids aren't even going to have more than the faintest grasp on what you did. You live, you die, and you will be totally forgotten, just as will happen to me, to everyone I love, and to every member of every band that I actually do like. Reality sucks, doesn't it?]

"Go listen to fucking Thunderstone and their new album crybaby!" [Stratovarius is so vibrant and alive in today's metal scene that a number of reviews are calling Thunderstone clones of Sonata Arctica. Has one hundred years passed already? Although cheers to Tolkki for taking a shot at someone that got a record deal following a formula he concocted.]

January 17, 2004

More Strato messageboard fun from Timo: "On Thursday there were 75,000 people visiting StratoCom and 2,000 people visiting KutipeltoCum... [Tolkki, thy name is Class!] Because my brother Tero has designed the entire StratoCom and KutipeltoCum and he told me."

January 18, 2004

Strato site headline: Interview With Tolkki, Jari Kainulainen, and MissK

(This interview was conducted by a journalist close to the band) [Who has no name, apparently. Is he scared to be associated with the band because he knows nobody with military experience and martial arts training?]

The new line up was announced on Thursday. It's all over the media and quite surprising for many people it seems. How do you feel about the reaction?

TT: It is quite surprising. I have received about 20 emails, where my life has been threatened directly. [Dude, I have gotten a death threat for doing the magazine. Get the fuck over it. Fuck.] Be them real or not [word, yo], it surely doesn't feel nice. I am sure the amount of hatred doesn't feel nice for MissK neither, who has just joined Stratovarius.

MK: Well, I don't care about those. It's my career that I am thinking about here. I see this whole thing from an entertainer's point of view. I am an entertainer. [who will do tumbles and flips on stage, I suppose] I was asked by Timo Tolkki to join this band, after we had met many times, talked about life, music and all. We have made lots of demos together and the new songs sound really really promising. It was me who contacted him however, when I heard that Timo Kotipelto left the band. I saw my chance and I took it and here I am!! To stay, like it or not!! [Oh we'll see about that one.]

JK: I don't know about the reaction, I have been drinking Jack Daniels for the whole week. What fucking reaction? The only reaction I know has been when I have been vomiting in the mornings. [Would any fan of Stratovarius have noticed if this man's mother had gotten an abortion?]

Hmm, I see. I hope you feel better already.

TT: What makes me wondering is the amount of hate that this line-up change has generated among the fans. It seems I will be crucified, no matter what I do. [Well, if you do stupid things no matter what, I suppose so...] I personally feel that I have given Stratovarius fans a lot of music along the years [Objectively, he is correct... many albums... lots of music...], organized lots of tours and done thousands of interviews. [Uh, is there anybody in that head of yours? Interviews are done to publicize yourself and your activities, they are for your benefit. Yours. Not for the journalist who is writing it and not for the fan reading it. You've been in the music business how many years and you don't have that figured out?] I think I have given them a lot! And still they say I don't respect them and that I should respect them more? I say that respect is a mutual thing. [Yeah. You say 'Fuck you!' to them and they'll get on your case and wonder why you don't respect them. Wait for the flashing light to use the crosswalk on this two way street, thank you.] All the outbursts from my side have only been reactions to very violent and arrogant reactions from people who call themselves "Stratovarius fans". [Massive negative reaction from YOUR FANS to YOUR announcements, you dink, and you think the problem is... them?] And now when people see a bit of blood (it's real blood by the way) [You hired a new singer and doused her in real blood for the introductory photo shoot? Get off my planet, Mr. Tolkki, because I don't care if you're a liar or a moron, either way, off! Off I say!], they freak out." [Yeah, I guess they were conditioned by all those songs about dolphins and plants and positive oneness or whatever, and figured some manhands screaming at a camera covered in blood was just a tad off topic.]

MissK, how do you feel about this blood issue and why are you showing your middle finger? [Because members of metal bands, especially bands where members brag about passing out while out drinking, shooting the bird in photographs is reason for great controversy]

MK: I like blood. [Christ, I will convert to your faith if you remove this kind of brainless shit from my planet. With lightning.] Elisabeth Bathory used to bathe in blood of young virgins. That sounds exciting to me! Do you think I should try that sometime? I eat babies for breakfast!! HAHAAAAAAHAAA!! [I know she's joking, but humor is best left to the those with detectable brain activity, OK?] The middle finger is not directed to anyone by the way!! But have you seen "Kill Bill" by Tarantino?

No I haven´t. Jari, how do you see this blood issue?

JK: I haven't even seen the pictures. I have been too busy driving my mountainbike in my apartment. Besides, I just had a claustrophobic attack in the park. That was horrible. [So he's joking too, but in a way that's making every Stratovarius fan wonder if they would have missed the guy if his mother had flushed him down the toilet at birth.]

Timo Tolkki, you are drinking vodka straight from the bottle as we speak. Why are you doing that? [This interview is an Alan Smithee production... But how good is a journalist that's close to this band going to be? That means they would have had to love Hymn to Life or Tolkki would be poisoning his dog or something, not letting him be 'close to the band'.]

TT: This whole violence shows that mankind hasn't truly learned anything from the past. If you consider this: If a simple rock band is able to generate this much hate and direct death threats, then how is it with larger things and with things that REALLY matter? [Einsteinainen here has just said his band doesn't really matter. Way to go. You make albums with very personal themes that have obviously deeply connected with a number of sad, sad individuals, and now you're telling them it's all crap. You'd be my hero if I didn't wish that you'd be accidentally shot into space.] Is it any wonder why we still have wars in the world when you look at this fucking reaction from Stratovarius fans? So that's why I am drinking vodka straight from the bottle. [I'm going to start masturbating at work, and when my boss asks what the hell I'm doing, I'm going to explain that I'm masturbating because I got reprimanded for being late the week before.]

Are you still going to therapy?

TT: I quit that, but now I think I have to go back there. [You think?] Perhaps start taking antidepressive medication again. This whole thing might make the whole band enter group therapy. I heard there is really good group therapist in Germany, who is specialized in problems of rock groups. [Fuck the live performance DVDs, release these sessions.] Besides I am facing 1,5 Million [Why do Europeans put commas instead of periods in their money writing? Do they actually say 'One comma five million'? It's 'one point five million' when spoken in English. This has always bugged me ever since I started receiving European distro catalogs. Weirdos.] Dollars lawsuit from Sanctuary, so it's all downhill for me now anyway.

You saw your father committing suicide when you were just twelve years old. Have you gotten over that? [This interview can not be real. It's all an elaborate Tolkki plot to get sympathy.]

TT: None of your business asshole. Why do you have to ask that? I will never get over that. When your own father cuts his wrists with razorblades and jumps down from the fourth floor in front of your eyes, don't you think it will have some influence to you? [Sounds like you had quite the influence on him...]

I am sorry I asked. Sorry Timo.

TT: OK, no prob. You journalists just want to sell your fucking magazines! I know you! I know you! [Yes, sales for this unnamed publication will go THROUGH THE ROOF now that we know whether or not Timo Tolkki has gotten over his father's suicide.]

MissK and Jari, how are the new Stratovarius songs?

MK: We have been singing some old songs that Tolkki has selected carefully. [Selected carefully? Is he keeping her away from certain songs for a reason? Conspiracy! I know you! I know you!] I can sing all the songs though, with my range it is no problem for me to sing Father Time and songs like that. The new songs I haven't tried so much, because Tolkki has this new psychological producing style where he doesn't really tell the band in advance how the songs are. [Maybe he'll let you know on the website before he plays you any songs.] We just get some guitar riffs and that's all. I guess they are doing some recordings already. [Good to see that Miss K isn't going to be the controlling bastard that Kotipelto was and want to be involved with anything like vocal arrangements.]

JK: I never rehearse because I am so good. I have played in this band always. It is my band actually! You guys just don't know this. Besides I have more important things to do than to play. Like drinking and driving mountain bikes. My mountain bike costs 25,000 US Dollars by the way and it is a fucking nice piece of equipment! [Is it too late to break out the coat hanger?]

Hmm I see.. MissK, but your vocal performance in your previous band has been criticized among the Stratovarius community.

MK: I can understand that. They were recorded years ago and I always told the guitar player of that band that the songs are written in the wrong fucking key for me!! Too fucking low! [You don't have a limitless range then, eh?] He never listened. It is an amateur band really, it is not even a band you know. Just one guy. [She's learning the ways of Stratovarius already! Burn the past! Burn the ex-collaborators! Burn in hell!]

TT: I never based my choice of MissK to those soundclips. Frankly, they are quite horrible. What people think? I was convinced about MissK when we met several times and talked about life and music and played together. [Whoa, whoa, whoa. December 17: "Also three female vocalists have sent me their tapes and I must say that one of them sounds unbelievably talented and she has the looks that kill as well." So I guess that one didn't get the job?] She is truly an amazing performer [I bet she can do a split], everybody will be surprised in the end when they will hear it! The songs in that old band of hers, were quite poor in my opinion with horrible production and completely in a wrong key for MissK. Her talent was wasted to death and now she has the chance to prove what she is really made of.

Many people expect Nightwish number two?

TT: That´s because to the masses everything is black and white. The new songs have absolutely fucking NOTHING to do with that style. Do you think I am stupid or something? [No, Timo. We think you're a genius who will be remembered fondly one hundred years from now.]

(At this point the interview had to be stopped because Tolkki was already so drunk that he could barely talk anymore. His assistant [who has military experience and martial arts training] took him to rest and I continued with MissK for a while) So MissK, how do you see Timo Tolkki?

MK: He is such a gentleman with me. He listens to my feelings, fears (yeah, even I get scared sometimes!! [oh poor you!!]) and what I want. [Are you joining a band or getting married?] I have never met anyone like him before. [I can believe it.] You know that he almost became a psychotherapist because of his father's suicide. [If my mother gets mugged would that make me a crime prevention specialist?] It hurt him so bad. He has over six hundred books in his library and he is intelligent and well read and always been to me a really really nice and calm [???] guy. So he has an alcohol problem, that's too bad. He always says to me that he hasn't got an alcohol problem, the alcohol has a problem with him. He has such a great style of humour. [Oh that's just fucking hilarious! I'm sure your sides are splitting continuously being around an alcoholic! I know I didn't need Comedy Central when I was a kid because whenever Mom broke out the bottle, I knew it was going to be better than An Evening at the Improv! Hey, BitchK, FUCK YOU.] Really black. Many people take everything what he says literally, but many times it's just his humour.

(at this point Tolkki returns and surprisingly looks completely sober!!!) [his martial arts trained assistant must have used some Mr. Miyagi healing on him]

TT: I get these attacks sometimes, sorry. I am missing a gene [and have an extra chromosome] and that results that I get drunk very easily and get also sober very quickly. Sometimes. [Has anyone out there ever heard of 'drunk attacks'? Seriously, I'm curious]

I see. Last words for Stratovarius fans?

TT: Remember that I am the guy who wrote all the fucking Stratovarius classics! I wrote them all! I wrote Paradise, I wrote Hunting, I wrote Black Diamond!! I wrote Father Time, Kiss of Judas!! I wrote all those classics completely, also the vocal melodies. Kotipelto just wrote a few lyrics, but to me the music is what really counts. Lyrics are really not that important on a larger scale. He never wrote any of the music or melodies of any of my songs. Just a few lyrics. And even on those songs where he wrote some lyrics, the song titles were always mine. I compose like that you know. I always come up with the title first. So don't come to tell me to leave the band I created and in which I have been in 20 years!!! [Of course, you've already said newer material will be different than past work so why would any fan feel confident that the past songwriter is staying?] If you don't understand my decisions, then you are always free not to listen to it or buy it. Don't buy fucking stuff you don't like!! So all I want to say is that although I do understand the disappointment of the fans in generally, I do not understand and accept the violence and prejudism concerning the lineup change. Through the tough times you see who your REAL friends are!! [I'm sure all Stratovarius fans everywhere appreciated that message of optimism for the future.] And at the end of the day my Friends, it is just a FUCKING ROCK BAND!!!! [Why are you telling us that your band isn't important? And if it's just a rock band, why are YOU freaking out over it, Mr. Tolkki?]

January 18, 2004

Tolkki responding on the messageboard to allegations of the interview being a publicity stunt:

"You are utterly out of your fucking mind!!! You think this all is funny? You try to receive fucking death threats [zzzz] and people's hatred for yourself and then call it a publicity stunt. Just one thing to say to you: FUCK OFF!!!"

"The interview was conducted by Juho Juntunen from Soundi [uh oh, get somebody with military experience and martial arts training assigned to him right now!] and it is a known fact that he always does these drinking interviews."

Timo also had gracious words for his ex-bandmate:

"If someone is lying, then it's fucking Kotipelto. He hasn't said anything about the split because [he's not an idiot, apparently] it has largely to do his dictatorial attitude towards the rest of the bandmembers. [I bet he wanted control over *gasp* a vocal melody or *gaspgasp* maybe even a song title!] He always wanted things in his way and refused to listen to the majority of the band. ["Kotipelto, just do what Tolkki says so he'll shut the fuck up! Please!"] This is the fucking truth!"

"I will never play in the same band with that guy again. You don't know his true face." [WE DON'T CARE! We care about his voice. Some people like his singing, some people don't. His 'true face' is absolutely meaningless to a fan because he hasn't paraded himself around like a fool. Maybe he is a complete asshole, I don't know. But even if that is the case, he's still not lashing out against his fans and making his dirt public. You can call Kotipelto a two-faced bastard all you want, but as long as he keeps quiet and you keep yammering on, it's YOU that will be Chairman of the Asshole of the Month club, Tolkki. YOU. YOU. YOU.]

I love this: "I don't give a flying fuck about record sales or fame. I have enough money after Sanctuary deal anyway, even if I have to pay some back to them. I will end Stratovarius after few albums and start my producer career. [Morbid curiosity leads me to ask what band would ever put this guy in a position to have any control over their material and recordings? Thunderstone, maybe.] So why the fuck I would care about the things you said? Kotipelto and Michael got big portion of that money by the way. I don't see anyone complaining when Kotipelto drives with his Audi TT and Rolex and about Michael living in a new castle in Germany. [I really hope one can't die by laughter because there is so much more I want to experience in life.] Once again it's just fucking me who is the bad guy. But that´s ok... you know why? Because I DON´T GIVE A FUCK!!!" [You go girl! I often rant and rave like an imbecile using lots of exclamation points when I don't give a fuck about something too.]

January 19, 2004

A fan reaction to the interview on the messageboard: "Lighten up a bit. It's so obvious. Just the Jari comments gives it out right away. This is but a joke. Tolkki wants to make some of you guys realize that the fact that somebody left the band doesn't make him a devil. This is all sarcasm. Timo isn't as stupid as a lot of you might think."

Timo's reply: "You are a fucking joke."

Then Timo throws this up: "The vibrations feel good now. I can feel the radiant beams of spectral colors from countless souls, bouncing off the whole galaxy as if it were a giant lens, and focusing on me. [quick, somebody call Vintersorg, RIGHT NOW] There is a greater force within me who is whispering in my ear and guiding my every step. And I have just found out that I have passed the test, that I have made the right decisions up to this point." [You are a fucking joke.]

And more from the Tolkkinator: "The interview was done drunk, I admit and I am sorry about that. It was done by a Finnish journalist Juho Juntunen of Soundi magazine and he always provokes things. [I can imagine him prying your mouth open with a crowbar and just jamming them drinks down your throat. I guess he was very poor at provoking BitchK and Jariwho? because they didn't drink to incoherency.] I tried to stop that release, but the management put it up there already [You're telling me you have no control over your website or what goes on it? I thought your brother Tero was behind the site? He obviously still is involved if he's revealing hits on yours and Kotipelto's site. Maybe they did take away your internet connection! Or maybe you're full of shit!] and now there is no point anymore."

More messageboard fun about Kotipelto, from the Innocent One, Timo Tolkki: "I have never said anything bad about his vocal abilities. His decision not to comment these things just piss me off. He is doing it for the reasons you know nothing about. [He's keeping quiet for hidden purposes? He's being conspiratorally quiet? I think Kotipelto is being quiet for reasons Tolkki has no clue about. Reasons like common sense and self respect.] He is not this angel he pretends to be, but a very good actor. [A very good silent film actor, eh?] If I am a dictator then in many things [November 23: "I have had a very clear vision about the musical direction of Strato. To put it short and simple, this is my band. I decide what Stratovarius sounds like. Stylists might decide how Stratovarius looks like."] so is he (acting against the majority of the band members). He knows exactly what he is doing by keeping the silence." [You are SO CLUELESS.]

To a fan trying to offer encouragement and support: "Thank you for your advice, but let me say this: You have absolutely no way of understanding the pressure I live in at the moment with all the death threats and violence. [Did Varg Vikernes attempt to reach Timo Tolkki during his prison break? Quick, get Geraldo on the case!] That does make one to say stupid things sometimes you know. [Are you complaining about the death threats or bragging that somebody cares enough about you to react that way? What are these death threats, anyway? Twelve year olds with AOL accounts sending "PlEaSe dIe!!!" messages?] You have temper, you are South American! You from all people should know this." [Yes, all South Americans are witless savages who are easily provoked into freaking out, just like you, Mr. Tolkki. Why, they should make you an honorary citizen of Brazil or something for your keen insight into South American culture!]

"But Kotipelto wasn't fired and neither was Jörg. [November 23: "At this point it seems 95% sure that 3 bandmembers have to leave." Which is it?] Plus they got lot of money from the Sanctuary deal. [... need... oxygen...] Both bought a very nice houses and are driving nice cars (Jörg even bought a castle) and I am the one who might lose everything because I am going to court with Sanctuary in Berlin." [January 18, ONE FRIGGIN DAY before: "I have enough money after Sanctuary deal anyway, even if I have to pay some back to them."]

"But it is a hell of a place to be when 99% of your fans that loved and respected you before abandon you and turn very violent and hateful. [*ring ring* *ring ring* "Hello? One moment. TOLKKI! THE CLUE PHONE JUST RANG, AND IT'S FOR YOU!"] Just in the moment when especially me, Jens and Jari would need your support, you turn your backs to us and hit a knife to our backs. [So they knifed you in the back after they had turned the other way? That takes some serious skill, dude. Maybe your friends have military experience and martial arts training. Or maybe the only way their knife could be put in your back would be if you turned away from them. Fuckin' duh, dude.] THAT my friend, feels like BETRAYAL!"

January 20, 2004

Tolkki on the board: "I have asked Anders [Johannson] to join Stratovarius permanently and I believe he will do so."

Tolkki on accented singing: "Finglish rules!! One of the funniest things was always for me that the biggest critics about Kotipelto's pronunciation came from Finland. [Bull fucking shit.] The promised land of "rally driver English" or "Mika Häkkinen" English. I do not give a flying fuck about pronunciation and I realized that it is not even necessary after Swedish band Ace of Base went number one in USA with that Swedish accent. [Huh?] For those who criticize the pronunciations, go to fucking University with your opinions and leave us who just want to enjoy the music ALONE!!!" [Here at Stratovarius, quality control is king!]

January 21, 2004

Tolkki on the board: "Besides those blood pictures represent the change in Stratovarius and they are full of good Christian values... Christianity is a cannibalistic religion. They drink the blood of Christ and eat his flesh. Therefore these pictures represent good Christian values." [uhhh...]

January 22, 2004

Timo Tolkki on the official Strato site under the headline Anders Johansson Out Of Stratovarius: [Seven whole days, wow.] "He gave me a call and said that he doesn't want to join [a complete fruitnut] the band permanently and that he is happy to be in HammerFall playing True Metal. [I'm sure he worded it exactly that way.] Since I am looking for a permanent member, we agreed in good spirits to go separate ways. I am very disappointed that he didn't want to join Stratovarius permanently [apparently hoping a high bullshit tolerance is a Johansson family trait], but at the same time I wish him and the HammerFall guys well and best of luck with their career. I suspect that the decision of Anders has something to do with my reputation. I can understand him very well, I wouldn't join a band in which I would be playing in. I have already contacted a Finnish drummer and I hope I can announce his name very soon. [See, you can't pronounce those names either and you live there!]"

January 22, 2004

Anders Johansson in the HammerFall site guestbook: "I was never going to leave HammerFall. I think we have a great thing going with HammerFall and a cool vibe. Everybody fits together nicely both as musicians and people. Timo and Jens asked me to help out with the recording their new record. I told them all the time it was just to be a studio session. After a while Timo started to weird out. He talked about voices in his head, religion and German dictators all the time. And about what a legendary band we could be... breaking more WC's than any band before. Then Kainulainen started to call. He just sat there silent on the other side of the phone. What a strange bunch of guys..."

January 23, 2004

Blabbermouth.net reports on an interview with Timo Tolkki that ran on the Finnish site www.soneraplaza.fi:

"One of the worst things, in my opinion, is that Timo Kotipelto hasn't spoken about this situation publicly. I have said everything there is to say via our web site and in interviews and now everyone thinks that I'm the asshole! And Kotipelto has said nothing [so far]... I have released the facts of this situation on our web site." [My God, the man is swimming in the ocean and he can't figure out why he's wet. I bet he puts his hand on a hot stove and wonders why it burns all the time. Really, how many musicians out there actively wish that they were having a public shit slinging contest with ex-bandmates? And instead of catching the clue that keeping quiet means nobody thinks you're a stupid little bitch, he keeps calling out Kotipelto hoping he'll take some of the heat off with inflammatory statements. This is why I'm not worried about any sort of libel or slander suit, because there isn't a jury in the world that will get to this quote and think Tolkki isn't an idiot who's brought it all on himself.]

[Well, I stopped keeping track of events around this time. But there was more. An alleged attack on Timo Tolkki. A festival performance where Jens Johansson pissed on Tolkki onstage. Here in 2006, In the interest of completing the story being told above, I'm going to use available resources to list the things that happened after I stopped being snoopy about all of this. Without comment. Here are news updates that appeared on Blabbermouth after this time. For the record, I don't believe for one second that Tolkki was actually attacked.]

January 25, 2004

Jörg Michael comments.

January 26, 2004

STRATOVARIUS Leader TOLKKI: TIMO KOTIPELTO Won't Rehearse With Me

January 29, 2004

Former STRATOVARIUS vocalist Timo Kotipelto has broken his silence regarding his departure from the band.

January 30, 2004

TIMO TOLKKI: 'KOTIPELTO Was The True Dictator Of STRATOVARIUS'

February 7, 2004

HAMMERFALL Drummer: TIMO TOLKKI Needs Professional Help

February 11, 2004

STRATOVARIUS Fans Give New Singer Shit (Literally!)

February 21, 2004

STRATOVARIUS Webmaster Distances Himself From 'Completely Crazy' TIMO TOLKKI

STRATOVARIUS webmaster Fred Derf has posted the following message on the band's official web site:

"Today I received a phone call from [STRATOVARIUS mainman] Timo Tolkki.

"He sounded like being in a very confused state of mind and was talking about red Kabbalah ribbons and how when he was reading Madonna's biography he felt warm waves all over his body and that the spirit of Jesus entered him and that now he really has found something he has been searching for all his life.

"I am very worried about him, he sounded like completely crazy.

"From this day onwards I will not take the responsibility of whatever is being released on this Website.

"As long as my paycheck arrives, I will continue putting on the site whatever Tolkki asks me to put there.

"But there is nothing I can do about it.

"I just work here."

February 21, 2004

It's Official: STRATOVARIUS' TOLKKI Loses His Marbles

February 22, 2004

STRATOVARIUS' TOLKKI: 'ADOLF HITLER Is Alive And Well'

March 1, 2004

Report: STRATOVARIUS Guitarist Assaulted In Spain, Treated For Stab Wounds

March 2, 2004