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100 Questions with John Cobbett of Hammers of Misfortune

(posted September 2006)

(This interview is part of a double feature! Read this one for 100 Questions on general metal topics, then read a feature interview with specifics on The Locust Years!

For the record, if you will please state your name, age, the date your started this interview, and the date you finished this interview.

[DISCLAIMER: The following interview may be billed as an interview with or about Hammers Of Misfortune. This is not the case. There are no questions herein that pertain to Hammers Of Misfortune directly, much less to our latest release The Locust Years, which is ostensibly the occasion for this interview.

I have done my best to answer the following questions, and there are many of them. The mysterious interviewer, who never once reveals his or her name, holds a pretty clear and pointed agenda - one which seems irrelevant to me and has little to do with my band(s) or our recent album(s).

Thus, at times I may adopt a tone of hostility towards the "interviewer" or digress into pure fiction or pedantry. This is in no way intended as an insult to LotFP or Jim Raggi. I'm sure he was expecting nothing less, considering the tone of the interview, which is itself confrontational and irrelevant to my artistic output.

So, if you're interested in reading a bunch of inconsequential gibberish between me, John Cobbett, and whoever this interviewer is, read on. If not, who can blame you? Run off and check your myspace page for the 20th time today then...]

My name is John Cobbett. I am a 500 year old man/owl hybrid. I started this stinkin' interview on June 20th, 2006 and finished it on September 20th, 2006.

Tell us what you do in the world of heavy metal. Tell us about any projects you are involved in that you feel we should know about.

In the "World of Heavy Metal"? Not sure where that is.

As for music stuff, I'm the founder, composer. lyricist, producer, art director, project manager, roadie and guitarist of Hammers Of Misfortune and co-founder, co-composer, guitarist and producer of Ludicra.

I also act as a part-time member of Amber Asylum, play in a Pentagram cover band (called Parallelogram) and toured as a session guitarist with Jarboe (Swans) earlier this year, although there is no word on whether Jarboe will be requiring my services again.

I'm involved with a "band" called Iron Cemetery right now, but I wish I wasn't.

Tell us about a hobby of yours that has nothing to do with heavy metal and is likely uninteresting to most people, but is very important to you.

I write audio software for fun, usually in the form of composition gadgets and improvisation machines. I patch these devices together and use them to create "random" compositions, although all randomness occurs within whatever musical arguments I design into the machine. This is called algorhytmic composition.

Tell us how your personal philosophy and worldview differ from what you feel is the overall philosophy and worldview of heavy metal. Then tell us how you reconcile the differences in order to exist within the heavy metal world.

It's hard to say what the "overall philosophy and worldview of heavy metal" is. This would be totally different depending on who you're talking to. It could be said that parts of the metal scene are pretty conservative, i.e. resistant to change, overly nostalgic and prone to uniformity, but this is true of most music scenes.

As for the "Heavy Metal world", I'm not much of a "joiner" (unless it's an interesting musical project). I've been involved in many scenes and played many different kinds of music with all kinds of people. I've been around long enough to know better than to play to anyone's juvenile prejudices, rain on anyone's parade (unless they ask for it) or take scene politics very seriously.

I believe that political leaders have a major and enduring impact on public attitudes and the general culture of their nation. Tell us about the political leader of your country that you consider to be the most influential to your view of the world.

America used to have "leaders" as such. Now we have special interests, globalist think tanks and neo-con cabals pulling the strings and rigging elections. I have to tip my hat to Donald "Mush-mouth" Rumsfeld for being an absolute master at Orwellian double-speak. This guy can talk out of both sides of his neck and his mouth all at once and still not say anything.

I also have to hand it to Stephen Colbert, even though he's a comedian, not a "leader" as such. His performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner was brilliant and inspiring. I saw it live on C-Span and almost fell off the couch watching Bush turn several shades of red as Colbert ripped him a new one. It's kinda like stories of old times, when the court jester was the only one allowed to crack jokes about the king. We now rely on comedians like Stephen Colbert, John Stewart, Michael Moore and Bill Maher to speak for the people in this country.

Tell us about the single best work you have written in heavy metal, be it a song or an article. Tell us what makes it so good.

I would have to say The Locust Years, because it's the most recent work, so naturally I like it best. I'm also pretty proud of the new Ludicra album, Fex Urbis, Lex Orbis (which should be out by the time you read this).

Tell us about the single worst work you have written in heavy metal, be it a song or an article. Tell us what makes it so bad, and why you thought it was good enough at the time.

The single worst work I've written was for a video game. The client wanted a cross between Creed and Papa Roach. Outside of having to research and study these bands for a few weeks this was really fun. I did a total parody of both bands.

Tell us about the harshest yet most accurate criticism you have ever received about your work. Tell us how that changed how you approach your work.

Our second album got some criticism for being unfocused, this album got criticism for being simpler (i.e. more focused - go figure.) All our albums get criticized for not fitting neatly enough into a genre. You can't please everyone, nor should you try.

The harshest criticism we've received has been from some people who really hate us. Yeah, we have some haters. I take this to be the absolute highest form of praise.

Tell us about the best friend you've made through your work in heavy metal that is not affiliated in any way, shape, or form with the music industry.

I can't think of anyone I know who is "not affiliated in any way, shape, or form with the music industry." I guess Thomas Woodruff, the guy who did the cover painting for The Locust Years, is someone whom I admire very much. He's a professional artist and a professor, and he's never done an album cover except for ours. Going to his studio in New York and seeing what he's working on is totally inspiring.

Tell us why heavy metal is worthy of respect.

This is a silly question. Why should metal expect any more or less respect than anything esle? Good music is worthy of respect, bad music isn't. Nothing is automatically good simply by virtue of how it's categorized.

Tell us how heavy metal is different (in purely musical terms) from related genres of music such as hard rock, jazz, classical, progressive rock, and punk. Tell us what makes heavy metal distinct.

If you want me to spell it out for you I will, as if I'm some kind of expert...

Metal is distinct from classical and jazz as because it's a form of rock music. Both classical and jazz have been around longer (in the case of classical, a lot longer) and require years of lessons and training for most people. I think of metal as a form of "folk" music because regular folks listen to it and can teach themselves to play it. In this respect, metal resembles punk more than any other form of rock, most obviously because of it's loud guitars and self-imposed "outsider" stance.

Metal and punk have influenced one another to such an extent that there's a word for it: "crossover". Both forms have been around since the late sixties and early seventies. Both seem to go on and on, spewing off sub genres and springing leaks into other scenes as they go along.

As much as punk rockers and metal heads have sneered across the aisle at one another over the years, the fact is that Metal musicians have listened to a lot of Punk, and Punk musicians have listened to a lot of Metal, now and always.

Tell us whether heavy metal is more an attitude, a social phenomenon, or simply a musical style. Tell us why you think so.

Saying something is "Heavy Metal" is like saying something is "a car" or "religious" or "cheese". The first question is "what kind?"

First and foremost, heavy metal is a sound. Secondly, it's an umbrella term for a set of related subcultures that share a common history. In that sense it's a social phenomenon within a larger social phenomenon, which is "pop culture". Thirdly, Metal is almost always menacing in some way. Menace and distorted guitars are pretty much the only criteria I can think of that applies to anything described as "Heavy Metal".

Tell us what you were listening to, and when, at the time you realized that heavy metal was indeed something different and would play a significant part in your life.

"Helter Skelter", by the Beatles, when I was four years old. I didn't know what it was but I knew it was for me.

Tell us about your favorite album of all time.

There's no way for me to pin down a single album, there are so many and it depends on what mood I'm in. Here's a short list:

The Scorpions Virgin Killer, Sweet Desolation Boulevard, Bowie Diamond Dogs, Hendrix Electric Ladyland, Sabbath Paranoid, Metallica Kill 'Em All, Queen II, The Stooges Raw Power, Roxy Music Country Life. Discharge Hear Nothing, Say Nothing, See Nothing, Van Halen Van Halen, Lou Reed Transformer, Tubeway Army First Album, The Stranglers Rattus Norvigicus, Genesis Nursery Cryme, The Germs GI, The Beatles White Album, Venom Black Metal, Thin Lizzy Black Rose, Mötley Crüe Too Fast For Love, Brian Eno Before And After Science, Raven Wiped Out, Yes The Yes Album, Darkthrone Transylvanian Hunger, Dead Boys Young, Loud, and Snotty, Coroner Mental Vortex.

Tell us about your favorite album of right now.

During the course of answering this interview my favorite album has changed at least a dozen times.

Tell us about your favorite heavy metal album cover.

Blue Öyster Cult in the early 70s has to win the prize for me, with honorable mentions to Judas Priest and Kiss. I've always loved the CRASS aesthetic too, they had a great graphic thing going on.

Tell us about the worst song by your favorite heavy metal band.

After careful consideration I've come to the conclusion that the worst song ever written is "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen. The E Street Band is not my favorite Heavy Metal Band, however...

I think "Quest For Fire" by Iron Maiden deserves an honorable mention here. The music is fine, but the lyrics are so incredibly stupid: "In a time - When dinosaurs walked the eeeaaarrtthh!!!" And you wonder why people laugh at Metal...

Tell us about the art of bass playing and how it is generally neglected in heavy metal.

What's criminally neglected in heavy metal isn't bass playing, it's lyrics, but anyway...

I was once talking with this guy who claimed to have assistant-engineered Metallica's And Justice For All. He summed up Metallica's philosophy toward the bass this way: "Turn it down to where you can't hear it and then turn it down some more". While probably a reaction to the death of Cliff Burton, this unfortunate attitude seemed to catch on in metal for a while (along with that horrid clicky bass drum sound).

Listen to Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Mercyful Fate or Venom's Black Metal. The bass has a huge, indispensable role in this music. Bass playing is all about bridging the gap between the drums and the guitars; being a solid rhythmic force while still bringing melodic information to the string section. Being able to do this while NOT overplaying is the mark of not only a good bass player, but a good musician.

Tell us why the keyboard is an instrument of heavy metal.

Have you ever heard of John Lord, Keith Emerson, Rick Wakeman, John Paul Jones, Jerry Lee Lewis or Beethoven?

Tell us about the ways and means of heavy metal drumming.

Did you know that there is an international conspiracy to rip off drummers? It's pretty unbelievable how shoddy most drum hardware is and how friggin' expensive it is. This shit breaks all the time, and drummers pay through the nose for it. We can put satellites in space but we can't make a reliable kick drum pedal?

Tell us how a heavy metal vocalist works best.

This totally depends on what style of Metal you're talking about, as the vocal style has such a huge role in defining it. You could put a Death Metal vocal over a Power Metal band and suddenly you're "Melodic Death Metal", or you could put a Black Metal vocal over a Death Metal Band and you're "Blackened Death Metal". You could put an Emo singer over a Melodic Death Metal band and now you're "Metalcore". See what I mean?

I like to mix metal vocals a little low, sort of in between the guitars so they don't dwarf the music and the band sounds nice and loud. Not everyone agrees with me on this. A lot of people like the vocals way up so they dominate the mix. This is how they mix pop music, all drums and vocals. It always shocks me to hear how many metal albums are mixed this way.

The human ear is psychoacoustically tuned to hear the human voice, so it's the first thing people hear without even realizing it. Vocals and drums are the most primordial and important instruments - the human voice and the heartbeat. In a metal mix, however, it's important for the guitars and drums to be loud.

Tell us why the guitar is the central and necessary focus for heavy metal. Discuss your views of guitar solos as well.

You mean electric guitar. The mechanics of playing a guitar and the way an electric guitar behaves when cranked to nosebleed volume have defined metal from the beginning. Metal is a product of these factors, not the other way around. Without the peculiarities of the electric guitar and the burgeoning amp technology that made them really loud and distorted there would be no such thing as metal.

Also, guitars are affordable, versatile and it's relatively easy to learn how to play one. Therefore, middle class and lower income kids can become guitar players without spending a fortune on a formal education. Electric guitars sound really angry and menacing when played with a lot of overdrive, and lower income kids generally feel very angry and menaced.

Guitar solos have gone from being an outstanding feature (Hendrix, Page), to an area of specialized innovation (Van Halen, Uli Roth), to a fetish (Steve Vai, Satriani) to a joke (Guy Man Dude, Shrapnel Records). Too often, guitar solos are used as a default arrangement tool that acts as filler and a chance for the guitarist to show off. There are lots of guitar harmonies and melodic passages in Hammer's and Ludicra's music, but very few straight-up solos. Once in a while there will be a solo, and it'll stand out because we don't hang leads all over every song.

Another factor that cannot be ignored is the "guitar hero", which was a huge part of metal culture throughout the seventies and early eighties. Blame this on marketing or blame it on the lust for glory of a few generations of impressionable young kids. You see the same thing today with rappers. Hero worship will always be used to exploit kids and separate them from their parent's money.

Tell me three truths about heavy metal.

1. Heavy Metal, like all forms of entertainment, is a luxury.

2. We should consider ourselves very lucky to live in a time and place in history where these kinds of discussions are possible, let alone (arguably) relevant. This conversation is also a luxury.

3. If the power went out tomorrow, all the records, stereos, amps and speakers in the world would immediately become a vast pile of inert junk. Heavy Metal along with most other forms of popular culture would vanish and exist only in our memories. We take much for granted.

Tell me three things about heavy metal that most metalheads think to be true, but you know to be false.

1. The kind of music you listen to defines who you are.

2. Any form of entertainment is worth "fighting for" (not to be confused with the right to free expression, which is worth fighting for).

3. That heavy metal is a musical context unto itself and exists apart from the larger framework of popular culture.

Tell us why "extreme metal" is not considered a redundant phrase.

It isn't? By whom?

I hate that word "extreme". I don't like it when music is treated like a sport - or marketed like a sports drink.

Tell us about the first heavy metal band that purposefully and proudly considered itself heavy metal.

I don't understand why I'm being asked this question. Why would I know any more about this than anyone else? Why would I be considered some kind of authority on this? Does anybody really care what I have to say about this? I doubt it.

I can't tell you anything about this band, whoever they are, because I don't know who the fuck you're talking about. Could it be Judas Priest? Manowar?

Anyway, at this point, when a band proudly and purposefully labels itself, doesn't it seem obvious that they're "selling out" in a way - that is, they are purposely limiting their range of expression and pandering to the expectations of a specific audience?

Tell us why, if so much heavy metal imagery and lyrics are drawn from literature, heavy metal is considered so stupid.

Does drawing imagery from Literature make you smart? No. Does drawing imagery from literature make you look like you're trying to look smart? Probably. Does drawing imagery from literature in order to look smart make you look stupid? Definitely.

Tell us what you think when you hear the phrase "true heavy metal."

*yawns*

I think this must be left over signal noise from twenty years ago. I also think it's quaint (at best) to be worried about this kind of thing in 2006. Having perused a certain article that I'm pretty sure inspired much of this interview, I think I know where you're going with this.

You can rant and rave 'til your face falls off over the trend hoppers of the world, but in the end, who's going to remember them? Slayer and Iron Maiden still pack every house they play in, but where is Limp Bizkit? Trend-hoppers almost always ride out with the trends they rode in on. They usually don't last long. They are annoying, and yes it pisses me off sometimes too, but they pose (pun intended) no real threat.

The minute one trend jumps the shark you can usually glimpse the next one being primped and powdered in the back stage area of the theater of youth marketing. This is not unique to metal, it happens all across the spectrum of popular culture. It's also known as Fashion.

I define "true heavy metal" as heavy metal performed by those with artistic integrity (meaning they will write the same music that they intend to sell out of the trunk of their car as they would for a major label release) and with knowledge of and respect for the full history of heavy metal itself. Therefore, true heavy metal is not, and can not be, simply a regurgitation of 80s heavy metal. Tell us Why you think I would reject the idea that consciously "retro" metal can be "true".

I grew up in the punk scene. While punk ceased to be rebellious or cutting edge a long time ago, what I took from it was the attitude; do it yourself, think for yourself, question authority, make your own rules, etc. In light of this, here's the short answer: take all your rules and regulations and stuff 'em up your ass, officer metal!

Here's the long answer: Would you embrace a shitty band simply because they fit your narrow definition of "True Heavy Metal"? Would you disrespect a good band because they didn't? If so, you have zero integrity as listener. You have bought into a narrow musical dogma, hook, line and sinker. Thus you have willingly become a tool; politically aligned, parochial and useless in any discussion of music as a wider art form and perfectly likely to buy any album as long as it's certified "true" - no matter how rancid the actual music.

As for "retro", let's take Witchcraft as an example. These guys are so "retro" it's ridiculous, but somehow their music rings true. I'd be doing myself a disservice by writing them off just because their music is shameless Pentagram worship (and Pentagram is shameless Sabbath worship - how's that for post post modern?). In the end, their music won me over because it's heartfelt and good.

Tell us whether you think their creators of things like Wayne's World, Spinal Tap, and Beavis and Butthead are laughing with us or at us.

Who do you mean by "us"? I'll assume that this is another question that's based on the false premise that "metal people" stop at different stop signs, have a different banking system and shit a different color than the rest of society.

In the case of Spinal Tap and Wayne's World, definitely with us. In the case of "Heavy Metal Parking Lot", definitely at us. In the case of Beavis and Butthead, who knows? Making fun of metal is so easy.

Consider this: Metal went through a few periods of wild popularity in the seventies and eighties. During these times it was commercialized just like any pop music and marketed directly to the dumbest knuckle-draggers on the planet, as "Heavy Metal Parking Lot" illustrates vividly.

These same knuckleheads undoubtedly beat up on the other kids in their high schools. Being dumbasses, they were the majority: jocks, cheerleaders, blockheads and rednecks. No doubt it came to pass that some of the kids that got beat up by these fucktards went on to become film makers, radio programmers, television executives, indie rock impressarios and rock critics. They so often do.

When these once-oppressed high school underdogs became the gatekeepers of popular culture, could you really expect them to be open to or even try to understand metal? Of course not. All they know is that the insufferable fuck that abused them in gym class was wearing a Van Halen t-shirt. For them, metal starts and ends there.

Where I live, the "alternative", "Indie" culture became so pervasive and suffocating that metal became an alternative to the alternative. These foppish fashionistas with their snobby anti-rock dogma became the very thing they had all rebelled against in high school: the status quo, the majority.

They ran the clubs, the college radio stations and the music section of the local weekly rags. Metal bashing was all the rage, and so the tables were turned. Smart, discerning individuals who were tired of being pushed around by these pricks explored the underground and found metal...

...And thus all is once again right with the world.

Tell us how heavy metal would change if people were less afraid to just be themselves.

It wouldn't. People are pack animals. They buy records, go to concerts and follow trends in packs. They're just being themselves.

I can tell you one thing: if people were "less afraid to be themselves" they would be far less likely to pigeon-hole themselves into narrow definitions like "True Heavy Metal".

"Heavy metal needs closed minds." I think if you're open to everything, you're really against nothing. How would personal standards be possible with such a philosophy? Tell us your opinions on the relationship between integrity and open-mindedness, and also tell us where you draw the line between taking a stand on an issue and being a stupid, small-minded asshole.

To be truly open minded is to be very lonely. If you're open to anything except mediocrity, and against nothing but mediocrity, you and your integrity will be spending a lot of quality time together - just the two of you.

Being truly open minded is also a pain in the ass. If you judge everything on merit alone, regardless how it's labeled, and whether or not you're supposed to like it, and how brilliant it's purported to be, you can waste a lot of time trying to convince your closed minded friends that something is good but in the end they just won't accept it because it doesn't fit into their preconceived notions about what is and isn't acceptable at the moment.

Nine times out of ten these same people will come up to you three years later ranting and raving about the very thing you tried to turn them on to - now that it's cool.

Luckily most of my friends these days have very eclectic taste. I try to avoid closed (or small)minded people. It's not easy, they are the majority.

"Metal needs closed minds" - that's is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever heard all day. Take that statement and replace "Metal" with "Jesus" and it could be quoted directly from any neo-fascist christian group. How can you say this and then in the next breath complain about all the clones and trend-hoppers out there?

"The first time you heard growling vocals..." is a common topic of discussion I see on internet message boards. "I hated them at first, but grew to like them the more I listened to them" is a common statement in these discussions. Tell us Why people keep listening to things they don't like so much. Tell us about your experiences listening to music you at first found to be difficult until you found yourself enjoying it.

It's a funny thing that often when I really hate something the first time I hear it, I wind up loving it later on. Obviously this visceral reaction is a sign that something has really affected me. For example, I really hated blast-beats when I first heard them. I still don't love 'em, but they don't spoil the song for me or anything. A few of my favorite albums blast from start to finish. Some music tends to grow on you. This is often the best kind.

It's also true that many people learn to like the stuff they need to like in order to fit in with whatever crowd they want to be a part of. They're just being themselves...

According to law, lyric writing is considered just as important as music composition for purposes of publishing rights. Tell us why you think lawyers and politicians think lyrics are more important than do most heavy metal fans.

Heavy Metal fans have accepted meaningless, sophomoric lyrics as a given. Most of the time you can't hear the lyrics anyway, which is a good thing, because if you make the mistake of reading them you've got to wonder what kind of buffoon would sing, let alone publish, this idiocy.

In my experience, writing lyrics is way harder than writing music. Regardless, lyrics are hugely important. It's the words that give the song its title and meaning. Storytelling, communicating ideas and sharing commonality through words is an integral part of any "folk" music. In Hip Hop, for example, the lyrics are the focus and the music is often interchangeable.

In a lot of classical music lyrics aren't necessary. This music operates on an order of magnitude that's way beyond the scope of any rock music, even so-called progressive rock. I'm sure there's gonna be some readers who vehemently disagree, but before you reach for your poison quill there, Wolfgang, go read through an orchestral score and enjoy some perspective.

Metal, like all "folk" forms, needs lyrics. It's musical vocabulary is colloquial and limited, so it needs words to achieve real meaning. The fact that lyrics have become an afterthought in metal is a big reason why it doesn't get taken seriously. If you can't figure out how to express anything meaningful, or at least somewhat entertaining, folks are gonna look at you like you're an idiot, and you deserve it.

People dressed in black, wearing studded jewelry, throwing up the horns and shouting metal slogans, ready to go online and tell people all about their experiences that night. People dressed in red and blue uniforms, carrying replica props and wearing fake ears, making hand signs and telling each other to "Live long and prosper," ready to go online and tell people all about their experiences that day. Tell me how a heavy metal concert is really any different than a Star Trek convention to those involved.

What about going to a rave, or going to church? There are many lifestyle options available to make you feel like a more interesting person and relieve you of your entertainment euro.

Underground music, by its very definition, does not appear on the charts, does not appear on national cable or broadcast television, does not get signed or distributed by major record company or their subsidiaries, and does not appear on the shelves of retail chain stores. Tell us your understanding of the word "underground".

I can tell you that I've spent most of my life in "the underground". An underground is any community that conforms to a nonconformist paradigm. While the idiom itself may be nonconformist, without adherents it would cease to exist. Therefore all idioms require conformity.

Most "underground" scenes actually demand a higher degree of conformity than the mainstream does. If you want proof of this, just go to any major sporting event. There, you'll see people from all walks of life. Go to an "underground" show and you'll see people from one single walk of life.

Tell us why record labels that are distributed by major label-owned companies are still be considered "independent".

I can't tell you why this phenomenon occurs in the insignificant fishbowl of marginalized pop culture but I'll bet you a dollar it has something to do with selling records. Anyway, history is written by the winners so why not let them distribute your stuff? At least that way little Johnny in Kalamazoo will be able to pick it up at the local Target.

Don't you think it's a good thing that little Johnny has a choice between the new Eminem joint and Bal-Sagoth's latest hyperborean epic? At least this way Bal-Sagoth has a fighting chance. Don't worry, they will be vanquished and wind up getting sent back to the distributor. Better their CDs collect dust on corporate shelf-space than in the stygian darkness of some indie-label-guy's basement, right?

Tell us why the term "underground" is not just a way for socially inadequate people to not have to call themselves and their interests "unpopular".

Anytime you have an underground you have a group of misfits who have found a place to fit in. We all need to fit in somewhere. That's not socially inadequate, it's a clever tool for emotional survival.

Iron Maiden gained popularity due to aggressive management, major label backing, extravagant live shows involving many props, and "hit songs" featured on radio and television. Tell us why they are still respected to this day, and tell us how the standards for the definition of "selling out" have changed in the past twenty years.

Iron Maiden is respected for the same reason Slayer is: they're a great and hugely influential band. Of course they didn't sell out.

In Iron Maiden's case we have an excellent scientific control group in the form of Def Leppard. Def Leppard came from the same time, place and scene (NWOBHM) as Iron Maiden. When we compare these two subjects, the question of "selling out" is dragged from the fog of speculation and eradicated in the harsh light of history. Armageddon it?

Selling out? Maybe it's still possible for metal bands to "sell out" in some parts of the world. Where I live the concept of "selling out" seems rustic.

Tell us whether the possibility of commercial success encourages new musicians to be more creative or conformist in their songwriting.

There is no possibility of commercial success. I suppose if you're sixteen and you get the right haircut, play whatever's "hot" right now and get a really really expensive publicist, you might enjoy a few weeks of relative success, but it won't last long.

I've never, ever had a label try to influence or change anything I've done. If they tried at this point I'd just laugh at them. I could see how if you're just a kid and some industry heavies came to your session you might feel intimidated and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this kind of thing happens when you sign to a major label.

The heavy metal community is known for turning on bands that reach a certain level of popularity. Sometimes it can seem predictable and ridiculous, but tell us what valid reasons there could be behind this phenomenon.

Everyone wants to succeed at what they do. Nobody wants to fail. I shouldn't have to explain this because it's such a basic fact of life. Why are musicians denied the simple decency of achieving success at their craft without being called out as traitors to some cause?

Anyway, this shows how passionate some people are about music. They fall in love with a band and when they find that it's captured the hearts of many besides themselves, they feel betrayed - like the band cheated on them or something.

Sometimes these types (haters, if you will) turn on the band's newer fans. How many times have you said or heard something along these lines of "Man, I've been into Sir Lord Baltimore since I was a little kid, and now all these trendy fucks with myspace hairdos act like they're all cool; like they're the ones who discovered 'em or something. These assholes were all listening to Mogwai last year, man, fuckin POSERS!"

Tell us when a musician should ignore his own instincts in favor of the people he expects to be listening to his work.

If your instinct is to show off and break into a solo or a massive fill in the middle of a vocal section or a quiet part, you probably have bad musical instincts and you should ignore them.

Another example would be the following: Say you're sixteen years old and the leader and main composer of a Death Metal band. Your band gets really successful, yet you're still basically a child. Six years down the road (an eternity when you're that age), you find yourself - at the ripe old age of twenty-two - much more interested in Jazz saxophone.

Unfortunately for you, daddy-o, you're under contract to deliver another brutal death metal album to your label. Since you're the "key member" of this band, it's up to you to write and direct the whole joint, otherwise you could just slip into the black velvet night of smooth jazz and rough dames. While your instinct is to infuse your album with sultry, soulful saxophone, you should ignore this instinct.

Why? Because you have fans who will buy this album because it's by the same band that put out all those awesome brutal death metal albums. They deserve some consideration after all, for all their support, and you can't expect them to appreciate your newfound slow burn on the sax. In this case you should try to rekindle your childish interest in death metal - no matter how much it feels like a one-way ticket to palookaville - just long enough to deliver this final, filthy piece of wax to the rubes in the suburbs. This way you leave the legacy of the band you created as a dirty-faced kid untarnished for posterity.

Then, you should disappear into your seedy world of cheap perfume and smokey rooms, like some kinda' dirty angel in a cheap suit, blowin' his ax down by the docks at night - the lonely sound carrying over the dirty drink like the mournful cry of every lowlife stiff who ran out of luck one too many times down here on Heartbreak Street, in a cheap dive called The End Of The Line...

Being told to "relax and enjoy the music" is the same thing as being told to mindlessly accept what other people decide is worth hearing. Tell us why so many people consider in-depth examination to be negative to the well-being and enjoyment of heavy metal.

What? Is your mom an A&R rep for Matador or something?

Being told to "relax and enjoy the music" is not the same thing as being told to mindlessly accept anything. In my house it can be roughly translated to "shut the fuck up, I'm trying to listen to something".

Perhaps In-depth examination of most contemporary recordings is discouraged because most of the time the subject can't stand up to scrutiny. Who wants to examine a turd? The parties responsible for producing it and selling it certainly won't appreciate you nitpicking over their turd-polishing skills.

Tell us how you determine whether an album review is simply promotion, an expression of distaste, or a well thought-out criticism.

Simple: I don't read it. The only time I read reviews is when I like something already and I'm curious about what others have to say about it. Of course I always read reviews of our stuff. Our reviews are almost unanimously positive, even to the point of gushing sometimes. I guess that makes us "critic's darlings". We are proof that you can be critics' darlings and still be totally obscure.

Actually, now that I think about it, I rarely see bad reviews of anything anymore. What's up with that? Here I thought we were critics' darlings and now I realize that these writers just say that about all the bands. That is so two-faced of them! Fucking bastards! Now I feel like the press has cheated on me!!

Tell us whether the music journalist should be serving, first and foremost, labels, bands, or fans. Tell us how trying to please more than one of these is a conflict of interest.

The bands in this equation are totally powerless. The labels have the power to release and publicize, and the fans have the power to buy or not to buy. Obviously, you should be writing as a fan, for the fans. We all know that writers usually write to please the advertisers.

Anyway, they're all a bunch of lying swag-whores who go around getting bands' hopes up, only to leave them licking their wounds twenty pages deep on blabbermouth.net. I'm still really upset about this. I thought we were special...

Tell us what the minimum qualifications for someone before writing about heavy metal.

First, learn how to read, then learn how to write, then learn how to listen, then learn how to ignore the hype, then get a job doing something else, because you're probably about to get fired.

Frank Zappa said that rock journalism is "People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read."

Tell us about What most music journalists ignore that you want to read about.

The creative process is what interests me most. I also like reading about the equipment used and techno geek stuff. I absolutely LOVE studio horror stories (like "The Adventures of Mixerman", for example). I totally understand why most readers wouldn't be interested in this kind of stuff.

Tell us how the 90s would have looked for heavy metal if Halford never left Priest and Dickinson never left Maiden.

It's possible that a race of highly evolved apes would have taken over the planet and ruled with an iron fist. More likely, things would have been exactly the same, except for those two details.

Tell us what would have happened in Norway if Øystein Aarseth and Kristian Vikernes had remained on good terms and The Murder never happened.

I guess Mayhem and Burzum might have put out a few more decent albums, and Dead would still be... Dead. I bet they would have sold far fewer records.

Let's talk songwriting. Let's start with verses and choruses. Chorii? Anyway. Tell us the point in having a repeating musical structure in the verse. Vocalists are gracious enough to change the words around from verse to verse but it's the same vocal patterns. The chorus is usually just identical no matter how many times it appears in a song. Then a lot of bands repeat the first verse after a guitar solo. Tell us Why are people so attached to this pop music method of writing a song.

You mean lyricists change the words from verse to verse.

Anyway, what you're talking about is song structure, or arranging. Song-writing is technically the marriage of words to melody, consummated on a bed of underlying chords. Let's get away from this matrimonial analogy as quickly as we can...

The formula you describe is indeed the classic pop arrangement. The basic version goes like so: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, break, verse, chorus. The short answer to your question is that people use this method so often because it works. You might notice that it closely resembles the formula for writing essays and short stories.

It works so well that it's hard to get away from without disrupting the "flow" of a song. The chorus is there as a touch-stone; something to sing along to, something that drives home the point of the song. Of course in a lot of pop song-writing the whole point is to drive the chorus into your skull over and over again so it gets stuck there. The hook, you know? It's all about the hook.

One of the more interesting things about arranging is taking this classic form and deviating from it in interesting ways without undermining the song's momentum or devolving into "lets-be-different-for-the-sake-of-being-different" mode.

Tell us whether a band be a sonic concept in itself, with band members conforming to that concept, or whether a band's sound should change and be significantly influenced by any change in lineup according to the talents and preferences of new members.

It depends on the band. Whenever you get different players into a room, the sound will change. Concept or no concept, the end result will be informed by the individual qualities of the musicians involved. This is a good thing, although it can take years to find the "right" people to play with.

If you want the sound to be consistent regardless of who's playing it, you need to hire professionals and use a specific set of gear to get your signature sound. Either that or just do it all yourself, like Prince and Varg Vikernes did.

Tell us whether a heavy metal musician's focus should be more on expression or getting attention. Tell us how signing to a record label creates a conflict between those two goals.

Any musician's job is expression. A label's job is drawing attention to that. If both parties are doing their job, then there isn't a conflict.

A musician should always worry about expression first, but eventually it'll will be a matter of getting attention in the form of playing to an audience. All art is communication, which implies there's someone else out there listening, looking or reading.

The invention of audio recording, roughly a hundred years ago, changed everything. Before this, all music was live. Throughout the 1900s, music became something that was recorded, packaged and sold as a product. Around mid-century the youth market for recorded music exploded with the birth of Rock-N-Roll. Since then it's arguably been all downhill for music as an art form. One of the most appalling things that's ever happened to any art form happened when music was taken over by "youth culture".

Bruce Dickinson wore spandex and studded bracers, and had bangs. Celtic Frost wore corpsepaint and leather... and spandex. Rob Halford looked like a gay biker in the glory days. Anthrax wore jams shorts as band fashion. Those fucking haircuts Destruction had back in the day... Tell us Why everyone still gives Manowar shit for their 1983 wardrobe.

If your job is to be a living caricature of metal, isn't this just an occupational hazard?

Yes, hair-dont's and wardrobe woes are symptomatic of what I refer to in last question: the part about music being taken over by youth culture.

Tell us what purpose it serves for a heavy metal band to sing about heavy metal.

Often these "anthems" become concert favorites and certain audiences adore this cheerleader stuff.

Tell us the purpose of releasing a special edition of an album advertising a bonus DVD of the band performing the album live in the studio if the DVD merely features a band miming their "live" performance?

The purpose, as you already know, is to sell more DVDs.

Tell us the purpose of live albums. Tell us the purpose of a drum solo or sing-along on a live album. Tell us how you feel about "live" albums where the vocals, the drums, and/or the guitars are fixed up in a studio afterwards. Tell us a single officially-released live album you know that has not had the performance tampered with.

I don't know. I don't like live albums and rarely listen to them. I can guess that live albums are meant to deliver an approximation of the "live experience" - this would explain the drum solos and sing-alongs.

Tell us What a listener has a right to expect from a musician.

The listener has the right to expect whatever he or she wants. The musician has the right to play whatever he or she wants, the composer has the right to compose whatever he or she wants. The whole concept of having rights is pretty neat, huh? What does a musician have the right to expect from a listener?

Tell me how making the protective case for a CD very fancy and deluxe increases the value of music.

An album encompasses artwork, text, packaging and music. All these elements should work together conceptually as a cohesive piece of art. Ideally the sum of sound, text and image amounts to a coherent artistic communication.

This is why cover art is so important. Of course in this age of downloading everything, the opportunity to inform the listening experience by visual means has been greatly diminished - even moreso than it was when recorded media was decreased in size from 12" vinyl to 5" x 4" CD format.

Tell me how an album that takes hundreds of hours for an average of four people to write and record, at a cost of thousands of dollars, is too expensive if a copy costs as much as three or four hours of minimum wage pay.

If the album sucks, then it's not worth a damn. The people who made it have wasted their time and money producing a piece of garbage. Of course, if you hold on to that piece of garbage for twenty years, the next generation of nostalgic revisionists will regard it as a "classic" and then it'll be worth big bucks on Ebay!

Tell us which of these statements reflects your personal opinion, and why: A- A music listener should feel no pressure to buy music he listens to. B- A music listener should buy music he listens to in order to encourage future recordings by the artist. C- A music listener should buy music he listens to as a reward to the artist for making pleasing music. D- A music listener should buy music he listens to because it is an artist's right to demand payment for his work.

None of them. The assumption behind these statements is totally incorrect. Most of the money spent on a record does not go to the artist who made it. About 99% of it goes to labels, distributors and vendors. If the listener wants to support the artist, he or she should go see the artist play live, or visit the artists website and buy stuff directly from the source. This will help the artist put food on the table and enough gas in the tank to make it to the next rehearsal.

Did you know that artists have to buy their own CDs from their label in order to have them on hand to sell at shows and stuff?

Of course competent and skilled musicians deserve to get paid for their hard work just like anyone else. This rarely happens. In the real world you're lucky if you get paid back. Where do people get the idea that musicians make money? Unless you're talking about extremely rare exceptions like Metallica, the musician always gets paid last and least, if at all.

I know someone that has an Exemplar Audio 5910 universal player, Boulder 1010 preamplifier, classic CA-M400 monoblock amplifiers, Teres Audio 265 turntable, Cerious Technologies Ceramic Reference speakers, and Cerious Technologies cables/interconnects. Go look up how much that stuff costs. Hint: Just the one cable is $1000. Tell us Why MP3s are good enough for people.

Your friend there is what they call an audiophile. Most people aren't audiophiles. In fact, the vast majority of people don't care about music and just listen to whatever is on the radio. MP3s are good enough for them because MP3s are cheap (or free) and convenient. What more does the average consumer look for? If the average person doesn't care about music, why would they give a rat's ass about high-end audio quality?

Record companies and bands now provide samples of their releases on their websites as an almost universal policy. This is not good enough. People demand the right to have the whole album to "sample" it. Tell me how many times you feel they should get to listen to it before they are simply thieves taking somebody else's work for free.

Providing audio samples is nice because it gives the consumer a "test drive". Wouldn't it be neat if you could test drive a car and then just decide to keep it? And then you could get all bitchy and whiny when the dealer won't just give you the car free of charge...

All music is pretty much free now. You can download almost anything if you know where to look. Again, most artists don't get paid anything as it is, so most of them couldn't care less. The whole music industry is being turned upside down by this issue, which is probably for the best since the industry has become cynical and corrupt beyond repair.

In the end, folks, there is no money in music anymore. Hopefully this fact will soon overcome the many myths that still surround music, like the one where you get lots of chicks and lots of money. This is simply not true, in fact, the opposite is true. Once these myths are finally dispelled we will hopefully see a sharp decline in the number of would-be musicians and useless copycat bands that now choke the musical landscape.

I'm talking about a vast shakeout, a holy purification, where only the real, lifer musicians are left standing and being a musician is once again a "road less travelled". If music became rare and the Craft respected again, it would be better for all of us. Then we can talk about how to pay for studio time, daycare, rehearsal space, gear and transportation.

Tell me the effect that the "download and sample" mentality has for musicians who make difficult, perhaps experimental work versus the effect it has on bands that write more immediate songs.

I think it's been great for underground music and for fans, because the internet acts as an equalizer. Unlike in a record store, there is no issue of shelf-space on the internet. The net encourages browsing, and browsing leads to discovery. I've discovered mountains of great music online that I never would have known about otherwise. And yes, when I find something I like, I buy it - on vinyl.

For a band like us it's great. For bands that are used to selling lots of records however, this could be pretty bad news.

Tell us how intellectual property and copyright laws would work if you were In Charge.

If I were in charge? I'd make a rule that everything everyone has ever done is automatically copyrighted in my name. Thus I would own everything, and probably quit my job.

Tell us why the album is the basic unit of measure for buying, and judging, heavy metal. Tell us what the heavy metal world would be like if bands recorded and released individual songs as they were completed and the "album" did not exist.

Again, this is not unique to heavy metal. The album is a product of the media it was originally printed on: a plastic disc with the capacity for around 23 minutes of music per side. This is now merely a tradition left over from the mechanical limitations of an old technology.

If you go to Myspace.com (and I know you all have), the limit there is four songs per band page. Right there you have a new format for presenting and listening to music. Is that going to catch on and become a new standard? It could happen. Who knows?

One possible outcome of the internet thing is the return of the hit single, which you sort of refer to in your question.

Tell us whether you purchasing an entertainment product or if you are being a patron of the arts when you buy a heavy metal album.

Patron of the arts, all the way. And by the way, why do you qualify every single reference to music with "Heavy Metal"? Metal does not exist in a vacuum. It's music like all other music. I don't know how people can stand listening to only one kind of music. That would drive me insane.

A band, let's call them Gorefest, changes their style to add more 70s rock to their death metal, and even changes their vocal style from a strong death metal growl to a singing/growling hybrid that would even make Chris Boltendahl embarrassed. The band releases a video where they perform their new style in some small club and an open-minded fellow shows his friends, clad in more traditional death metal band shirts, that it's OK for death metal fans to still enjoy and headbang to this music! Tell us your thoughts about this. (Frank Harthoorn of Gorefest responds to this here)

Let's look at what results when a band tries this sort of thing. For the sake of argument, we'll assume you're talking about Celtic Frost here.

The first thing that happens is said band immediately alienates its original fan-base. These hardcore fans are never quick to forgive, especially if they're being asked to embrace a new direction that goes against everything they stand for. The band will be ridiculed at every turn by the very press and audience that brought it to prominence in the first place. This market is now closed to them, so they better hope that their new target-market embraces them!

This almost never happens. What poodle-headed glam rocker on the Sunset Strip is going to take a bunch of weirdos from Switzerland seriously? These guys were obviously not the "real deal" when it came to glam metal, and there were plenty of pretty-boy bands out there who had way more integrity and acumen in this field. Celtic Frost was obviously not from this scene and were rightly taken for imposters - if they were noticed at all. Thus Cold Lake was an utter failure in both the underground and mainstream markets. Why buy "Cherry Orchard" when you've got "Cherry Pie"?

Explain to me, in terms that have nothing to do with promotion or marketing, the purpose of a music video.

If you're referring to the kind of video that gets aired on MTV, there is no way to describe it as anything but advertising. If you're talking about footage of old Black Sabbath or Deep Purple the purpose is to watch the masters at work!

Tell us why, if bands go on tour to "promote" an album, fans pay to go see these live commercials.

This is quite possibly the stupidest question I've ever been asked in an interview. These are not "live commercials". Musicians have always travelled - since the dawn of civilization - to bring music to stationary peoples who want to hear it and see it performed. In many of these questions you betray a deep resentment against musicians. You might want to get that looked at.

Anyway, if you're in a band that people like, the first question they ask you is "when is your next gig?" If people want to see us live, we will play. I'm honored that they want to see us. This is not a commercial, it's us and our listeners all together in the same room enjoying music.

Chances are the following night I'll be the one in the audience - enjoying a live set by someone who was in the audience at my show the night before. If you can't appreciate this then you are just too jaded to be asking me anything.

Bruce Hall said "Do what you love, for the love, do what you do for money, for the money, If you sacrifice love for money, you're a whore." Tell us how this statement relates to the heavy metal scene in general, and your work in particular.

Are you talking about Bruce Hall, legendary bassist of REO Speedwagon?

Kris T. Force said: "Time is Love".

You should spend your time doing what you love. If you sacrifice your time for money, you're a whore. If you're lucky enough to make a living doing what you love, then you are truly blessed.

Matty Luv (rest in peace) said "Everyone's a whore. Life is cheap but living is expensive."

Bruce Hall is full of shit.

Tell us how musicians and fans from countries where hard rock and heavy metal regularly ranks on top sales charts treat the concept of "commerciality" and "selling out" different than musicians and fans from countries where hard rock and heavy metal never chart.

I've never lived in such a place, so how would I know? Your guess is as good as mine, but it seems the effect would be obvious: you'd see a deluge of copycat bands every time someone makes a buck. The music biz has been this way for the last 50 years.

The availability of recording equipment and the low investment involved in pressing CDs, or the ease in hosting sound files for the futuristically inclined, in theory, allows the bright and talented musician to dodge layers of corporate approval and interference and deliver his vision directly to the masses. In reality, everybody still wants a record deal, the bigger the record company the better. Tell us why.

Let's do a thought experiment based on the assertions put forth in the above question. I'm going to conduct this thought experiment in the form of a short piece of YAF (young adult fiction):

Hi! I'm a bright and talented young heavy metal guitarist. I go by Elvenblut in all the metal forums online. I listen to metal non-stop and I've finally decided that I'm gonna make a brutal blackened dark metal album the likes of which has never been heard before! I think I'm gonna call the band Elvenblut. I don't know what that means but it sounds pretty cool, huh? Plus, the name is already out there in the chat rooms, so I'm pretty sure it hasn't been used yet.

My plan is to skip the middleman, know what I mean? Fuck the labels. That shit is for posers. I'm gonna make my album and just put it out there on the web. Eventually enough people will notice how dark and brutal my shit is and someone will just sign it for sure! But anyway, fuck that, man, who needs corporate bullshit anyway? I bet I could get on Frost Moon or something...

Where do I start? I guess it's all about the music, right? Fuck, man, I have a shitload of awesome riffs. I play the shit out of them every night after work. Do I have any good songs? Fuck, whatever, I'll just string the riffs together like they do on the new Behoritoth album. Man, that shit is BRUTAL. I've listened to it about a million times now and I'm pretty sure I know how to write a brutal blackened dark metal song.

Should I get a band together? Do you know any good drummers? Shit. I just gotta get this album out of my head, man! Forming a band means renting a practice space and finding people around here who are willing to play my stuff!

I put an ad online to find a band, but when I told responders that I had no pro gear and no practice space they never got back to me. What's up with that? Anyway, I know this guy Grinder. I met him down at the local pub a while back. Grinder is a really cool guy, around my age. We like a lot of the same bands (especially Behoritoth!) He comes over sometimes and we jam on hella riffs (he's a guitar player too). Some of his riffs were cool (not as awesome as mine!) and he can play some wicked solos. We talk about forming a band all the time. Too bad we can't afford a practice space, let alone find a drummer or a bass player.

Last time I saw Grinder he was going to try out for a band called "Between the Dying Roses I Lay". I guess they liked his playing but wanted him to cut his hair funny. Fuckin' haircore posers! "Well", he told me "they have an awesome local following." I guess he's considering it. Fuck that shit man, I can't believe he's going to play with some haircore band and not play blackened dark metal with me!

Ah, what the fuck, forming a band is such a pain in the ass. How can I write and record a whole album without a band? Maybe I'll just go it alone using drum machines and amp simulators, like that guy in Falderoth. Man, his shit is EPIC, even though the drum machine sounds kinda cheesy.

Oh, never mind, lets assume that the whole album is already written, lyrics and all, just like magic...

OK, my album is written and I'm ready to record it. I even got Grinder to come over and help me with some of the arrangements. He told me the bass player from his new band, "Between The Dying Roses I Lay" (yes, he joined a haircore band! I totally gave him shit!) has an extra bass that I can borrow when I'm ready to record.

Man I hate haircore, but I have to admit those guys are OK. I always go to their shows cuz there's no metal shows around here. It's like the only thing to do besides hang out at the pub. Also it's a good place to meet chicks cuz they have an awesome local following. The guys in the band are pretty cool to me cuz I'm friends with Grinder and I know a lot about blackened dark metal, which they seem kinda interested in (until the girls come around, that is.)

So now that I'm ready to record, what kind of recording equipment are we talking about? I guess I'll borrow a couple of SM57 mics from my pal Methlord, the bartender dude over at the pub. He used to be in a band and he said he would lend me a few things...

Should I record to tape or do it digitally? Lets see, if I do it analog I'll get that "warm analog feel" Methlord always talks about. He says I'll need a reel-to-reel deck, some mics, a mixer, a power amp, stereo monitors, a couple of outboard effect processors and at least one compressor. Cha-ching! There goes about 4 grand - used!

Looks like I'm going to have to do it digital. All I need is a fast computer, some state-of-the-art audio software, some mics and a decent audio interface. Damn, the manual for this software program is thicker than my forearm. What the hell is a DAC anyway? Cha-ching! There goes at least 4 grand for the computer, the software and the hardware!

Dammit, Methlord wants his 57s back, he keeps bugging me and I'm afraid to go down to the pub cuz he might be there. And my new computer keeps crashing... oh hang on... yes, is this technical support? Hold? But I've been holding for 10 minutes already! But....

Whatever! Lets just assume all the recording gear is taken care of by - you guessed it - magic!

Shit, man, it's been 3 months since I last got a chance to work on my album. I had to take a second job working nights down at the pub to help pay for my new computer and stuff. Luckily Methlord was cool about it and hooked me up with a job as a barback.

Methlord is pretty cool. He seems pretty old, like in his thirties maybe. But he's cool; he had a metal band back in the day (I bet it was total dad metal LOL). I guess they had an awesome local following, but they never "made it". I think they broke up when their singer "ODd on smack" as Meth puts it. Meth won't talk about it much. I feel kinda sorry for him because he never made it. He's been working down there since the early 90s and he lives in a run-down apartment upstairs from the bar. I think he deals a little bit of something on the side to make extra money. I once saw these strange, shifty looking guys comin out of his apartment the middle of the night. When I asked about it he gave me a dirty look and said that they were some guys he used to jam with. I wonder why they call him "Methlord"? Anyway, I hope I don't turn out like him when I'm old.

Naw, fuck that, man, I'm a bright and talented young musician, I'm gonna make it!

I haven't worked on my album much, but my new laptop is pretty cool! I found a WIFI signal on the back steps of my apartment so I can surf the internet at home now. I've been spending a lot of time in the metal chat rooms and looking at chicks' profiles on myspace. I have, like, 300 friends already! I even went ahead and made a band profile for Elfenblut, even though I don't have any MP3s to put up there yet. My band page is cool though, it says that we will soon take over the world with our brutal blackened dark metal. It took me a while to figure out how to make the background all black and stuff. I even found Behoritoth on there and now they are my friend! They never return my messages for some reason... I wish I knew how to do that thing where you leave pictures in people's comments. I would totally leave an Elvenblut logo on Behoritoth's page. Oh shit, I don't have a logo! Godammit, trying to form a band is impossible, but even trying to be one online is ridiculous! You have to deal with all kinds of bullshit before you get a single song out there!

Sometimes I feel guilty because I spend all my time doing shit on the internet with my new computer instead of working on the Elvenblut album. Everytime I try to work on it I wind up spending hours reading the manual. I finally figured out how to record my guitar into the computer, but it sounds shitty and it's really hard to get the riffs to sound decent. I don't even want to think about drum programming. How do you do that shit? Sometimes I wish I could afford to go into a real studio with a real band and someone who knows what the fuck they're doing. Do I have to learn how to be a drum programmer and recording engineer on top of everything else?

OK. Fuck it. Let's assume that the entire recording has been tracked and mixed by - MAGIC.

Cool! The Elvenblut album is finished! It seems like I've been dreaming of this day for years! I can't believe how much bullshit I had to go through to get that shit done! Now for phase two of my plan; putting my shit out there on the web and skipping the middle man!

Of course I put my new MP3s on the myspace page immediately! I couldn't wait for the response. I posted bulletins all over myspace and all the metal forums. For some reason not many people seem to have listened to it yet. I only get like 3 plays a day. I can't figure out if it's because I check my page ten times a day (I'm totally addicted to it LOL). Does the counter thing count when I view my own profile? If so, that means I'm mostly the only one looking at it. Bummer, man. Surfing Myspace is pretty discouraging. It seems like there's endless bands, like, a million of 'em on there. How does anyone get noticed on there?

You know what really pissed me off? Some guy on the Frost Moon message board called me a Behoritoth clone and a poser! I couldn't believe that asshole! I told him that if I ever found out where he lived I would kick his ass! What a coward, talking shit and then hiding behind the internet. I mean, Behoritoth is my favorite band, but Elfenblut sounds nothing like them! Shit, I wish we could have gotten that blackened necro sound like they did!

So anyway, yeah, I guess It's time to make a website, press some CDs and start delivering my blackened dark brutality directly to the masses. I'm really not sure why I should make my own website when there's myspace and I'm not sure why I should bother to press CDs when everyone will just download my shit free if they want it. From my low hit-count on Myspace it doesn't look like anyone gives a shit (fuckin' posers!) Anyway, I guess I should stick to the plan. If I have my own site and a CD demo, maybe it'll help me get noticed by a label... Naw, fuck labels man, I should be able to do this on my own. Who needs that bullshit anyway?

So I went to see Grinder's band, Between he Dying Roses I Lay, the other night and I met this chick named Gecko (gekogrl21 on myspace!) She's pretty cool, even though she's kinda haircore. She goes to the local community college and is studying graphic design. I've been chatting with her online and she said she would do an Elvenblut logo for me, and even put together a website for me! Awesome! I think she has a good idea of what I'm looking for. She showed me some jpegs of flyers she did for Between The Dying Roses I Lay. I was surprised, it's pretty dark. They're not a real metal band of course, but I think her artwork is hella dark enough.

The logo is one thing, but now that my album is done, I need cover art! Shit, I don't know anything about printing or any of that shit. How do you press a CD? I googled the fuck out of that question and found a few places that said they would do it for less than a thousand dollars...

I told Gecko that I would hook her up with free beers at work pretty much for life (I'm still working at the pub - training to be a bartender!) if she designed the cover art for me. We have a date, uh, ahem, an appointment to go over ideas for the website and the cover art next week. Grinder keeps giving me shit about it, like she likes me or something. No way man, she's into haircore guys.

OK, let's just presume that 4 months have gone by and the website is up, the CD is pressed and it's for sale on the site, complete with sound samples and all - as if done by MAGIC.

Holy shit, man, I've been working double shifts like, every day. I'm in massive debt now. Not only do I have to pay off the computer and all that shit but making those CDs cost a bundle! I never realized how expensive it is to print stuff. Poor old Methlord got sick and had to go to rehab. It sucks for him, but now I'm bartending all the time at the Pub. I make way more money as a bartender than I did as a barback.

Gecko worked her ass off many late nights on my computer to get the artwork done. I really don't understand why she did all that work for free, but a few nights she just crashed over here instead of riding her bike home. Plus, we'd been drinking beers. Well, one thing led to another and now she's going around telling everyone she's my girlfriend. She even changed her status on Myspace to "in a relationship". OK, well, I guess she's my girlfriend, even though she's not really that metal. It's nice hangin' out with her, and she looks awesome with no clothes on!!

Sometimes when we're hangin' out for a whole weekend I forget about the whole band thing, and Elvenblut just doesn't seem all that important. I go for days sometimes without checking my band page. I'm kinda burnt on the whole Elvenblut thing anyway. I worked my ass off on that shit and nobody even noticed. How fuckin' frustrating! Gecko says I sound like a bitter old fuck when I start talkin' like that. Whatever, I'm just taking a break from it man.

Still, I have boxes of CDs stacked up in my apartment collecting dust. Just like I was afraid of, no one ever buys shit off my site. It's gotten a grand total of twenty hits (all from friends and family) and I haven't sold a single CD. The only distro I can get is through a handful of underground distro guys who will only offer trade for my CDs, and half of them ripped me off. I do have a few small stacks of poorly packaged CDRs that this one guy from South Korea traded to me. I have no idea what to do with those, I tried selling them off the merch table at the last Between The Dying Roses I Lay show. Nobody bought any.

Speaking of Between The Dying Roses I Lay, they approached me the other night and asked if I wanted to play bass for them! At first I was like, no way! I ain't playing in some lame-ass poser haircore band! Then they explained that they want to grow their hair out and go in a more metal direction, like the way metal was played 10 years ago! I guess their bass player isn't down with it (but I still have that bass he lent me LOL).

They're talking about re-naming the band Priest Witch! After talking to Gecko about it for a while I figured, fuck yeah, I could get into that! It ain't blackened dark metal, but I'm kinda burnt on that shit anyway after the whole Elfenblut fiasco. It would be fun to be in a band with Grinder, plus, they have an awesome local following.

Record companies are said to be necessary because artists should not have to be businessmen and marketers, they should just be musicians. Yet they have to market themselves to record companies to get signed, and if they don't behave like businessmen with the record companies then they will get financially raped. Tell us what a band is supposed to do.

Give up, turn back now, get some career counseling. Unless you're really convinced that you have something unique and extraordinary to offer the world of music (there's no way to know for sure, however), you should find out where your aptitudes and interests are and pursue them for all your're worth.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being an accountant, an engineer or whatever. These fields are probably just as glamorous and definitely pay better than music.

If you still feel that you must pollute the musical atmosphere with more unneeded data - and get noticed by labels - get an entertainment lawyer and a publicist. I would still make an effort to get that degree in accounting or engineering though; you're going to need a real job to pay those PR and legal fees.

Tell us the minimum requirements that a band should demand of a record company before signing a contract.

Yeah, I oughtta know about this, seeing as how I've been on the fast track to super-stardom for so long. The celestial arc of Hammers Of Misfortune's storied musical career is nothing if not breathtaking!

From my meager experience with labels, I'd say it'd be a good idea to own your own songs, and make sure that you know when the label's right to publish and distribute your recording expires. Try to get the shortest, simplest contract possible (the less fine print, the better).

Tell us the minimum requirements that a record company should demand of a band before signing a contract.

Oh, the record companies have a whole list of requirements that a band must meet before even being considered. This question is irrelevent.

Tell me, without saying "They are morons" or "They are desperate for a record contract", why a band would give up the rights to their music to anybody, at any time, in perpetuity.

Say you're a young, inexperienced band who got signed to a major label. Said label "gives" you a shitload of money and assigns you a lawyer to protect "your interests" (ha ha ha ha ha). The lawyer guides you through a mountain of contracts, explaining to you in fatherly, reassuring tones that those ominous-sounding clauses about being "exploited throughout the universe in perpetuity" don't really mean anything important.

As a young, inexperienced band, you're going to be busy living it up, blowing all that money the label "gave" you, and bragging to all your friends back home that you've "made it". Fuck the fine print. There's a real "buzz about you guys around the office" after all, and your A & R rep isn't like one of those old record industry scumbags, he's a hip, young guy with a haircut just like yours. He would never fuck you over, he's your bro and shit...

Of course the label is counting on this. Of course the lawyer was working for them - not you - all along. When your advance is gone and your record has tanked, the label won't even return your calls anymore. The slick A & R guy that you thought was your friend turned out to be a record industry scumbag after all; one specifically hired to look, act and talk like you; a trojan horse, a double agent.

Now you have become a tax write-off and the label owns the rights to your name and your songs. Worse yet, the money they gave you was actually a loan, so you now owe them a shitload of money. Every penny made under that band name from now until the end of time will be owed to that label. Thus, your band is destroyed.

This is standard operating proceedure for the major labels. It happens all the time. I highly recommend the essay "The Trouble With Music" by Steve Albini.

Die Apokalyptischen Reiter had to change/translate their name to get a US release. Tell us whether you think it that idea came from the band or their label.

Usually it's labels that come up with these kind of ideas, but I'm only guessing. I mean, Einsturzenden Neubauten didn't bother to anglicize their name and they did just fine, but then they were an important band.

Tell us how easy it would be for a major record company in today's environment to make a good return on their investment by manufacturing a heavy metal band like a boy-band. Name bands that you suspect could have been formed for this reason.

Linkin Park did pretty well for a few months there. I'm pretty sure they were manufactured in such a way. Of course they weren't what you and I think of as "Heavy Metal". Other bands that spring to mind are My Chemical Romance and Hawthorne Park. I'm afraid I'm not cognizant enough of teen marketing to answer this question.

Major record companies hide their ownership of subsidiary, "independent" labels in order to market "alternative" bands to people suspicious of the major record companies, in order to build a "grassroots" following to build up to their "major label" debut. Name independent heavy metal labels that you suspect may just be fronts for major labels.

You're not only answering your own question (see question 37), you're asking me to speculate about labels and their business affiliations. I don't know enough about this to answer with any accuracy, and doing so would very possibly incriminate some labels who don't deserve it.

Again I have to wonder why I'm being asked questions like this one. Many of these would be better asked of an industry insider - preferably under the condition of anonymity. I'm sorry I don't have any dirt for you. Hey, wait a minute, you're the journalist, it's your job to dig up this kind of dirty laundry, not mine!

I'm the hapless, absent minded musician here, you're the intrepid, hard-hitting reporter. You should be out there blowing the lid off these scandalous business practices and informing me about these morally bankrupt scoundrels and their insidious schemes!

Tell us Why all these new metalcore bands are wearing brand new classic metal T-shirts in all of their photos.

This is called Fashion. It's prevalent in all aspects of society, everywhere. It affects everything from guitar tones and amps (Sunn amps are in this year, Orange are sooo two years ago), to production techniques. It is particularly hegemonous in the realms of footwear and hairstyles.

Tell us whether you would rather listen to real heavy metal bands adopting mainstream sounds to try to be more popular, or mainstream "heavy music" bands adopting heavy metal methods to try to be more cool and credible.

Maybe you should form a consumer advocacy group and launch an an intense lobbying campaign forcing metal labels to put warning labels on CDs. You could call it Protectors of Metal's Real Credibility" (PMRC for short - catchy, huh?) The labels could read "WARNING, this product has not been certified by the PMRC as 100% True Heavy Metal. Consumption of this product could be hazardous to your reputation on various internet chat forums."

If I must answer this, I'd say neither tactic is likely to produce anything worthwhile.

Tell us whether you would prefer your work to impact a young fan beyond anything he has ever experienced, or to satisfy a more seasoned and mature veteran of the heavy metal scene.

It makes no difference to me.

Tell us why bands talk about their fanbase as being "the kids". Tell us whether you feel bands that do this are writing music for children, and tell us whether you think children listening to heavy metal is a good idea.

This is a colloquialism. Would you rather bands refer to their fans as "tigers"? If they did so, would you ask them if they were really writing music for tigers? Would you ask them if it's a good idea for tigers to listen to heavy metal?

I think that metalheads writing music that can only possibly appeal to metalheads is kind of small-minded and lame. Yet metalheads writing music specifically to be appreciated by people who are not metalheads seems to be lacking integrity. Tell us your thoughts on this.

Writing music with the purpose of appealing to any crowd is stupid. You should write what's in your heart. If anyone from any scene likes what you're doing, you should be happy. Once it's time for it to be reviewed and marketed, everyone's going to bend over backwards trying to squeeze your music into one category or another, so there's no need to try and do that yourself.

One fifteen year old kid just discovered Trivium and Arch Enemy and System of a Down and has an emo haircut and thinks this heavy metal stuff kicks ass. Hates that old man shit like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest though. Another fifteen year old kid just discovered Venom and Omen and Angel Witch and wears lots of denim and wears poofy white sneakers. Tell us which of these two kids is being more insincere.

Neither of them. By the time they're 21 they'll both be into something completely different. Of course, the Angel Witch kid is already nostalgic, so it's more likely he'll still be a metal head when he's 30. This doesn't make him more sincere, it just makes him more nostalgic.

On the DVD extra included with Strapping Young Lad's Alien, Gene Hoglan admits that some of his mistakes in the studio are fixed on a computer. We know this isn't an incident unique to Mr. Hoglan, or to drummers. Tell us what this means when even an acknowledged top drummer can't or won't even once correctly perform what we hear on an album.

Have you seen Some Kind of Monster? Metallica cuts entire albums together in Pro Tools, without even so much as playing through a song from start to finish in the studio. This is very common practice. You can tell by the inhuman sound of the playing on so many albums today.

I think that these times will be looked back upon as a low point in recorded performance, similarly to when everyone went digital in the 80's; resulting in some horrible sounds. After all that digital shit got cold, everyone wanted to go analog again and use old tube gear. Hopefully after all this surgical editing on music gets old, people will go back to actually performing the music in the studio.

I know this interview isn't about us, but I'll state here for the record that Hammers Of Misfortune and Ludicra perform all the way through our songs in the recording studio, just like at rehearsal.

Tell us about the best-sounding album you have ever heard.

Yes, Fragile. The production on this is perfect. AC/DC Highway to Hell is a perfect production. Scorpions Taken By Force is an awesome production. I also like Paranoid by Sabbath. Excellent no-frills production.

Tell us about the worst-sounding album you have ever heard that was released by a major label.

Raw Power by The Stooges has a horrible production; one of the many reasons why I love it so much. And Justice For All by Metallica - need I say more? Will somebody please remix this album already?

Tell us about the best-sounding release you have ever heard that was reelased without the help of a label.

You are assuming here that labels pay for or otherwise help the recording process. All our albums were made without any help from any label. We made our first two records ourselves, unsigned, with no idea how they would ever get released. The Locust Years was also made without the help of a label. We had a promise that we'd get paid back someday for the studio fees, but that didn't help make the record, it just made me feel better about going into debt.

Beatrice Hall wrote in The Friends of Voltaire: "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." The head of a NSBM-oriented record company said: "We would export all the niggers, Jews, and newpaper reporters back to a little town called Tel Aviv where they would be forced to toss Ariel Sharon's salad." Tell us your feelings on both of those quotes next to each other.

They look pretty stupid next to each other because one is a smart person saying something important and the other is some low-rent douchebag saying something stupid and irrelevant. Why would you even bother listening to or even reprinting such idiotic drivel? Aren't you just mimicking his cheap, transparent shock tactics by including his quote?

Anyway, your point is obvious. Douchebag can say whatever he wants and it's his right to in a free society. The obvious irony is that he wouldn't have the right to spout such drivel in the society he probably thinks that he wants. The whole concept of having rights is pretty neat, huh? We take much for granted.

Tell us why so few black people play heavy metal.

Because they don't feel like it. Duh.

Tell us why heavy metal is associated with the color black, skulls, fire, and all the rest of the standard accoutrements.

It's menace once again; scary imagery for scary-sounding music. Rock music has a long history of adopting rebel aesthetics. This imagery is also used by the military, biker gangs, punks, goths, rockabilly types, nazis and pirates, to name just a few.

I find that these cliches don't look menacing at all, just tired.

Tell us why so much heavy metal is anti-Christian.

Is it? There's plenty of satanic metal out there, but we all know that to acknowledge the existence of Satan is to profess some form of Judeo/Islamic/Christian faith. The real anti-christian stuff isn't that common. But anyway, Christianity is an easy target, and blasphemy is a pretty reliable way to shock religious parents and communities. Plus, there's really no consequence for it. Any hassle you might encounter will just be a source of publicity.

There are deeper sociological reasons in places like Scandinavia and South America, where ancient, indigenous faiths were violently displaced by Christian invaders.

Tell us why you think, regardless of how the band sounded, Century Media or The End Records would or would not sign and release albums by a band called Rotting Mohammed.

They would if they thought it would sell. I doubt their records would ever reach the level of visibility it takes to incur a fatwah. Anyway, said band would be wise to change their name simply because that's a terrible band name.

It's interesting that there isn't an anti-Muslim branch of metal. I think the Islamic world has bigger fish to fry at this point in history (what's the point of saying mean things about Allah when the infidels are busy blowing up your school with American made missiles?) If Islam takes over as the first world's dominant religion and gets watered down into secularism we'll surely see it happen.

It has been repeatedly observed that musically illiterate beings, such as small children and animals, feel comfortable only with harmonious forms of music. Tell us why you think is it impossible for such entities to perceive the beauty of distortion and dissonance?

Metal is distorted, but only occasionally dissonant. It's almost always played in 5ths and 3rds with an occasional tritone. If you want dissonance, put a little kid on a piano. They will play the lowest and the highest (the most extreme notes of a piano) like crazed little demons. They obsess over clashing notes and making noise. Kids like to make a mess, with music or anything else.

Actually, adults - with all of their knee-jerk prejudice and stilted agendas - are the ones who are musically illiterate. Children and animals are above such things.

Somebody committed suicide after listening to Judas Priest, yet Judas Priest denied any involvement in court. Ozzy Osbourne has denied promoting suicide. Many death and black metal bands try to distance themselves from fans who commit violent crimes. Doesn't music have real power? If music can't change people and make them think and feel things they didn't think and feel before, doesn't that mean it sucks? How great can music be if it can't possess the soul?

Of course some music has great power. There's no way to tell how your music will effect people. In the end it's their perception - not yours - that determine any action they might take. Did Wagner ever dream that his "Ride Of The Valkyries" would be used as a soundtrack to the most famous napalm attack in cinematic history? Of course not.

Look at all the violence associated with "Gangsta Rap". Is that music powerful enough to inspire gang violence, or is it the "gangsta" lifestyle that it seemingly advocates that causes this?

The forces of poverty, social pressure and teen angst are far more dangerous than any music. Music will provide a soundtrack to these things, but Marilyn Manson didn't pull the trigger at Columbine, Klebold and Harris did.

Half of Americans are on prescription medication. Every last discomfort and personal issue is a "syndrome" that needs professional treatment. Children raised on television and sugary foods from birth by absent parents are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder when they don't instantly adapt to a classroom environment and are treated with personality-altering medication as a first step. Tell us the role you think heavy metal will have on diagnosing aberrant, diseased personalities in this Brave New World.

I don't understand the question. Is it that you think metal fans are more likely to get diagnosed and put on medication? I don't think it's any more likely than it would be for kids who are into Goth or Emo or any other lifestyle marketed as being "rebellious".

In any case, they should take all their medication and send it to me, I need it.

Tell us about the best 2006 debut album that you've heard.

I like Necrophagist Epitaph and Venetian Snares' latest record right now but my listening habits aren't related to anything that makes sense.

Tell us about a few unsigned bands you recommend.

Hammers Of Misfortune and Ludicra! Both bands are unsigned...

Tell us anything else you feel we should know.

Here we are at the end of the interview. Congratulations, you made it! I hope you enjoyed it.

Contact me me at unholycadaver at mindspring dot com. I accept donations of cash, dark chocolate, good scotch, warm socks and anti-anxiety medication. Thanks!

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